There is a fine line between being a kind, giving person, and being codependent. We used to think that codependents existed only in conjunction with someone else’s addiction - but it is now understood as a problem in its own right. Also note that most sex addicts are also codependent themselves!
The biblical Martha, rushing around, choosing to be “cumbered with much serving,” but becoming highly resentful while she does it, is illustrative of codependency. Of the symptoms below, some may simply indicate your generous and selfless nature. However, if they occur often enough to prevent you from living your own life, then think about why you do what you do. Some signs that may indicate codependency are:
1. You spend a lot of time doing things for others, but you also feel resentful about it.
2. You rarely do anything for yourself or spend anything on yourself beyond bare essentials. On a related note - and often as a consequence - you have forgotten what “having fun” feels like.
3. You find it easier to say yes (and feel badly about doing whatever you agreed to) than to say no in the first place.
4. In relationships, you treat your partner as well as you hope s/he will eventually treat you, and wonder why s/he doesn’t follow your example. You allow this to continue indefinitely.
5. You find yourself sacrificing some of your values to fit in with how your partner or friends choose to live.
6. When friends and family are in trouble you see it as your responsibility to help them, even if they brought the problem on themselves, and even if they need to learn from their own consequences if ever they are to change.
7. You allow others to invade your boundaries because it makes you feel needed.
8. Even though your own life is in order, you attract dysfunctional people who immediately start to depend on you. You allow this.
9. You have difficulty thinking about yourself as central to your life. Even if asked about yourself, you somehow end up talking about the people who are in your life rather than about you.
10. If you were drowning, someone else’s life would flash before your eyes.
Note that this list was adapted from a list created by Diana Robinson, Ph.D. Thanks Diana!
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3:36 am on August 18th, 2007 1
What is the difference between Codependancy and Coaddiction?
4:40 am on August 18th, 2007 2
In addiction circles, the terms are used interchangeably, but they are not synonymous. In fact, “coaddiction” is a term that’s falling out of favor, and rightly so. Coaddiction usually is used in reference to the spouse of an addict who does things that enable the spouse to continue in addiction, out of fear of losing the relationship if he or she stands up to the addict. That is codependent behavior. Codependence is just a term that is more broad … and applies to many different kinds of relationships, even when addiction isn’t present. Hope that helps.
4:24 pm on August 30th, 2007 3
Personally, I like to stay away from both word desriptions and just refer to the non-addict as a
*wife and an addict
*child of an addict
*parent of an addict
etc, etc
It sounds a little less clinical and a lot more personal.