How fantasy keeps sex addicts from real intimacy

Hooded GuyI think that the White Book from sexaholics anonymous is one of the best books out there about sex addiction. This book has great insights about how lust gets in the way of true intimacy. Here’s a great quote from the book, which describes the descent into addiction that it calls “The Problem:”

Early on, we came to feel disconnected — from parents, from peers, from ourselves. We tuned out with fantasy and masturbation. We plugged in by drinking in the pictures, the images, and pursuing the objects of our fantasies. We lusted and wanted to be lusted after.

We became true addicts: sex with self, promiscuity, adultery; we bought it, we sold it, we traded it, we gave it away. We were addicted to the intrigue, the tease, the forbidden. The only way we knew to be free of it was to do it. “Please connect with me and make me whole!” we cried with outstretched arms. Lusting after the big fix, we gave away our power to others.

This produced guilt, self-hatred, remorse, emptiness, and pain, and we were driven ever inward, away from reality, away from love, lost inside ourselves.

Our habit made true intimacy impossible. We could never know real union with another because we were addicted to the unreal. We went for the “chemistry,” the connection that had the magic, BECAUSE it bypassed intimacy and true union. Fantasy corrupted the real: lust killed love.

First addicts, then love cripples, we took from others to fill up was lacking in ourselves. Conning ourselves time and again that the next one would save us, we were really losing our lives.

The book is not easy to find — it’s not available in most bookstores or even Amazon.com. You can find it by following this link, however.

One thought on “How fantasy keeps sex addicts from real intimacy”

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