Comments on: Sex Addiction: an overview for spouses and friends of the addict http://sexual-sanity.com/2009/08/sex-addiction-an-overview-for-spouses-and-friends-of-the-addict/ finding intimacy and freedom from pornography and sex addiction Wed, 16 May 2012 03:03:51 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.2 By: Mark http://sexual-sanity.com/2009/08/sex-addiction-an-overview-for-spouses-and-friends-of-the-addict/#comment-8405 Mark Sun, 29 Apr 2012 20:22:56 +0000 http://markbrouwer.com/?p=69#comment-8405 Samuel, Thanks for the update ... I'm very sorry to hear about what's happened in your life and marriage. Unfortunately, for many of us, we don't get rolling on the recovery journey until it's too late in our relationship. But the good news - and important perspective - is that it's NEVER too late to get into recovery for ourselves. Whatever happens from here on out, I hope you're able to stick with it. It can be an unsettling journey at first, especially when painful things from our past emerge. But it's worth it! Let me know if there's any way I can help. - Mark Samuel,

Thanks for the update … I’m very sorry to hear about what’s happened in your life and marriage. Unfortunately, for many of us, we don’t get rolling on the recovery journey until it’s too late in our relationship. But the good news – and important perspective – is that it’s NEVER too late to get into recovery for ourselves. Whatever happens from here on out, I hope you’re able to stick with it. It can be an unsettling journey at first, especially when painful things from our past emerge. But it’s worth it! Let me know if there’s any way I can help.

- Mark

]]> By: Samuel http://sexual-sanity.com/2009/08/sex-addiction-an-overview-for-spouses-and-friends-of-the-addict/#comment-8362 Samuel Sat, 24 Mar 2012 11:51:15 +0000 http://markbrouwer.com/?p=69#comment-8362 I'm freshly into the recovery process of full-on sexual addiction. One month ago I confessed to my wife of 12 years that I have a serious problem. Pornography was never really much of an issue to me past a ,certain age, I wanted the real thing, so that's what I went after. Easy women, prostitutes and then moved into sex with men. This went on for almost 10 years before I put an end to it. Then when the urge began to come on again I began to truly cry out to God to save me from this lifestyle. One thing He told me was that I had to confess my sins to my wife. So I confessed a lifetime of lying, deceit, manipulation, and several years of sex addiction. Being so fresh into this, I can't see any hope. We have four children who are not even teenagers yet, but are old enough to understand that what is going on is bad. She has asked me to move out, which is very difficult for me. However, I understand her need for space to heal, so I will comply. Another factor is that I gave her chlamydia, which, thank God, is curable, and has been cured now. On the other hand, I ended up with HSV-2, which is non-life threatening and dormant, but is also incurable and comes with a risk of transmission. As you can see, there will need to be many miracles for this marriage to heal. I can't see reconciliation as a possibility, but I long and pray for it daily. I'm going through a Radical Change program for recovery and seeing a therapist. Several childhood issues have been uncovered which helped shape me to be this way. I do accept responsibility and realize that I am the only one to blame for these actions, but I'm bitter for the things that happened to me at a young age which made it a lot easier to make those decisions. I just need help because I have no hope for my marriage, but I want nothing more than for it to recover. She's not sure about divorce, but says it is an option. I’m freshly into the recovery process of full-on sexual addiction. One month ago I confessed to my wife of 12 years that I have a serious problem. Pornography was never really much of an issue to me past a ,certain age, I wanted the real thing, so that’s what I went after. Easy women, prostitutes and then moved into sex with men. This went on for almost 10 years before I put an end to it. Then when the urge began to come on again I began to truly cry out to God to save me from this lifestyle. One thing He told me was that I had to confess my sins to my wife. So I confessed a lifetime of lying, deceit, manipulation, and several years of sex addiction. Being so fresh into this, I can’t see any hope. We have four children who are not even teenagers yet, but are old enough to understand that what is going on is bad. She has asked me to move out, which is very difficult for me. However, I understand her need for space to heal, so I will comply. Another factor is that I gave her chlamydia, which, thank God, is curable, and has been cured now. On the other hand, I ended up with HSV-2, which is non-life threatening and dormant, but is also incurable and comes with a risk of transmission. As you can see, there will need to be many miracles for this marriage to heal. I can’t see reconciliation as a possibility, but I long and pray for it daily. I’m going through a Radical Change program for recovery and seeing a therapist. Several childhood issues have been uncovered which helped shape me to be this way. I do accept responsibility and realize that I am the only one to blame for these actions, but I’m bitter for the things that happened to me at a young age which made it a lot easier to make those decisions. I just need help because I have no hope for my marriage, but I want nothing more than for it to recover. She’s not sure about divorce, but says it is an option.

]]> By: SP http://sexual-sanity.com/2009/08/sex-addiction-an-overview-for-spouses-and-friends-of-the-addict/#comment-2066 SP Tue, 24 Nov 2009 02:24:37 +0000 http://markbrouwer.com/?p=69#comment-2066 Thanks a lot Mark! That's really helpful! Thanks a lot Mark! That’s really helpful!

]]> By: Mark http://sexual-sanity.com/2009/08/sex-addiction-an-overview-for-spouses-and-friends-of-the-addict/#comment-2063 Mark Mon, 23 Nov 2009 19:35:45 +0000 http://markbrouwer.com/?p=69#comment-2063 Thanks for your thoughtful comments SP. Sorry for the delay in responding. I am trying to figure out a way of sorting out spam comments without it having to go through my regular email system for personally vetting the comments in here. You guys would NOT believe how much spam comes in the comments of this site! And, because the subject matter of lots of the articles includes words like "pornography" and "sex" you can probably guess that a lot of the spam comes from porn sites. Nice. Anyway, to your question SP. I do agree with you that there is a possibility for people -- at least in the early stages of their pornography addiction/dependency -- to keep the pornographic images and fantasies in their minds from intruding when they are being sexual or having sexual thoughts about their partner. But I do think that there is a natural progression with sexual addiction that it takes over more and more of our consciousness, and so people find that even though they may be able to compartmentalize it away at first, it will start to spill over more and more as time goes on. I would also point out that you're talking about your fiancee here. I don't presume to know what's happening in terms of a sexual relationship, but even if you were (for the sake of argument) having sex together at this point in your relationship, it's still early, and a different experience. What happens for couples as time goes on in marriage is that the novelty of early sexual experiences gives way to a deeper connection ... it moves towards intimacy. But if someone has been trained to expect and long for the powerful erotic experiences that are part and parcel of pornography (and romance novels), they will inevitably find that their "real" intimate relationships aren't like that ... and then they will start drifting into fantasy more and more. Thanks for your thoughtful comments SP. Sorry for the delay in responding. I am trying to figure out a way of sorting out spam comments without it having to go through my regular email system for personally vetting the comments in here. You guys would NOT believe how much spam comes in the comments of this site! And, because the subject matter of lots of the articles includes words like “pornography” and “sex” you can probably guess that a lot of the spam comes from porn sites. Nice.

Anyway, to your question SP. I do agree with you that there is a possibility for people — at least in the early stages of their pornography addiction/dependency — to keep the pornographic images and fantasies in their minds from intruding when they are being sexual or having sexual thoughts about their partner. But I do think that there is a natural progression with sexual addiction that it takes over more and more of our consciousness, and so people find that even though they may be able to compartmentalize it away at first, it will start to spill over more and more as time goes on.

I would also point out that you’re talking about your fiancee here. I don’t presume to know what’s happening in terms of a sexual relationship, but even if you were (for the sake of argument) having sex together at this point in your relationship, it’s still early, and a different experience. What happens for couples as time goes on in marriage is that the novelty of early sexual experiences gives way to a deeper connection … it moves towards intimacy. But if someone has been trained to expect and long for the powerful erotic experiences that are part and parcel of pornography (and romance novels), they will inevitably find that their “real” intimate relationships aren’t like that … and then they will start drifting into fantasy more and more.

]]> By: sp http://sexual-sanity.com/2009/08/sex-addiction-an-overview-for-spouses-and-friends-of-the-addict/#comment-2025 sp Sun, 15 Nov 2009 19:19:43 +0000 http://markbrouwer.com/?p=69#comment-2025 Hi. I'm in the early stages of recovery (not yet a month!). I've struggled with sexual sin for a long time. I knew it was wrong and wanted to stop but couldn't. I have always been an active member at my church, but I would fall to pornography weekly since teen-age years. It was not something I pursued. I even tried to look at women with pure eyes and fought to have a pure thought life. I prayed, attended church, read books about getting free from pornography, installed filter software on my computer, etc., but nothing helped. No matter what I tried, about once a week I would fall. About 3 months ago, I told my fiancee and we've been really struggling since then. She helped me understand how to get help and I've attended a workshop at faithful and true where Mark Brouwer works. Now I'm sober almost a month and have hope for the future. For me, I think the change has been to be able to share my story with people who understand what I'm going through, and to begin to understand and face the fact that there are deep wounds from my childhood that pushed me down this path to addiction and have kept me here despite my best efforts to the contrary. I share all this because I want people to see that sex-addiction can be like a disease that people develop even while not wanting it and fighting against it. I thank God for those who understand and care for addicts like me. Also, I want to share that I disagree with part of what Ms. Mascarella says above: "He is not comparing you to another human being; he is comparing you to some bizarre interpretation of a fantasy that does not exist..." Maybe this is true for most of us, but I don't believe it was true for me. I don't compare my fiancee to the images I looked at in pornography. I love her for who she is and am attracted to her because of her own unique beauty AND because I love her. Pornography is like a disease in my life that I don't want, but couldn't get rid of until now. I think it was something I kept separate from most of my life. Mark, can you respond to that? Hi. I’m in the early stages of recovery (not yet a month!). I’ve struggled with sexual sin for a long time. I knew it was wrong and wanted to stop but couldn’t. I have always been an active member at my church, but I would fall to pornography weekly since teen-age years.

It was not something I pursued. I even tried to look at women with pure eyes and fought to have a pure thought life. I prayed, attended church, read books about getting free from pornography, installed filter software on my computer, etc., but nothing helped. No matter what I tried, about once a week I would fall.

About 3 months ago, I told my fiancee and we’ve been really struggling since then. She helped me understand how to get help and I’ve attended a workshop at faithful and true where Mark Brouwer works. Now I’m sober almost a month and have hope for the future.

For me, I think the change has been to be able to share my story with people who understand what I’m going through, and to begin to understand and face the fact that there are deep wounds from my childhood that pushed me down this path to addiction and have kept me here despite my best efforts to the contrary.

I share all this because I want people to see that sex-addiction can be like a disease that people develop even while not wanting it and fighting against it. I thank God for those who understand and care for addicts like me.

Also, I want to share that I disagree with part of what Ms. Mascarella says above: “He is not comparing you to another human being; he is comparing you to some bizarre interpretation of a fantasy that does not exist…” Maybe this is true for most of us, but I don’t believe it was true for me. I don’t compare my fiancee to the images I looked at in pornography. I love her for who she is and am attracted to her because of her own unique beauty AND because I love her. Pornography is like a disease in my life that I don’t want, but couldn’t get rid of until now. I think it was something I kept separate from most of my life.

Mark, can you respond to that?

]]> By: telson http://sexual-sanity.com/2009/08/sex-addiction-an-overview-for-spouses-and-friends-of-the-addict/#comment-1504 telson Tue, 18 Aug 2009 08:20:15 +0000 http://markbrouwer.com/?p=69#comment-1504 Pornography, which is especially the problem of men, is the second main factor in the life of a sex addict. This can mean porn magazines, films or material on the Internet that is used to seek for satisfaction. For example on the Internet general headwords concerning this issue are … By them people seek for satisfaction. One problem with pornography is that it does not bring long-lasting satisfaction to us. These magazines or films kind of promise that you will find the erotic picture you have always been looking and longing for, but the satisfaction does not last for long. As time goes by, many may experience the same as alcoholics and drug addicts: they need more and more powerful stimulus to experience the same stimulation as before, because the amount of pleasure diminishes. More info: http://koti.phnet.fi/elohim/sexaddiction Pornography, which is especially the problem of men, is the second main factor in the life of a sex addict. This can mean porn magazines, films or material on the Internet that is used to seek for satisfaction. For example on the Internet general headwords concerning this issue are … By them people seek for satisfaction.

One problem with pornography is that it does not bring long-lasting satisfaction to us. These magazines or films kind of promise that you will find the erotic picture you have always been looking and longing for, but the satisfaction does not last for long. As time goes by, many may experience the same as alcoholics and drug addicts: they need more and more powerful stimulus to experience the same stimulation as before, because the amount of pleasure diminishes.

More info: http://koti.phnet.fi/elohim/sexaddiction

]]> By: Mark http://sexual-sanity.com/2009/08/sex-addiction-an-overview-for-spouses-and-friends-of-the-addict/#comment-1472 Mark Fri, 14 Aug 2009 01:09:32 +0000 http://markbrouwer.com/?p=69#comment-1472 Thanks DJ for the note ... it's great to hear from people who've had some history in the journey. I agree with you that with the time of recovery it sounds like you've had, there is a lot you can offer other people - especially couples early in the process who are struggling with hope. Thanks again! - Mark Thanks DJ for the note … it’s great to hear from people who’ve had some history in the journey. I agree with you that with the time of recovery it sounds like you’ve had, there is a lot you can offer other people – especially couples early in the process who are struggling with hope. Thanks again!

- Mark

]]> By: DJ Miller http://sexual-sanity.com/2009/08/sex-addiction-an-overview-for-spouses-and-friends-of-the-addict/#comment-1471 DJ Miller Thu, 13 Aug 2009 23:58:53 +0000 http://markbrouwer.com/?p=69#comment-1471 As a recovering sex addict with a wife who has had her own journey we have found after 9 years that we are really at a point where we can help others. Call it step 12 if you want but I say it is God taking what was meant for evil and making it good. As a recovering sex addict with a wife who has had her own journey we have found after 9 years that we are really at a point where we can help others. Call it step 12 if you want but I say it is God taking what was meant for evil and making it good.

]]> By: Jessie http://sexual-sanity.com/2009/08/sex-addiction-an-overview-for-spouses-and-friends-of-the-addict/#comment-756 Jessie Thu, 25 Oct 2007 08:19:03 +0000 http://markbrouwer.com/?p=69#comment-756 <strong>Jessie...</strong> I just came upon this website via the blogging baby website. Interesting post. This could have easily been written by me (with just a change or two). Funny to read another story that is so similar to my own.... Jessie…

I just came upon this website via the blogging baby website. Interesting post. This could have easily been written by me (with just a change or two). Funny to read another story that is so similar to my own….

]]> By: Internet Pornography Addiction http://sexual-sanity.com/2009/08/sex-addiction-an-overview-for-spouses-and-friends-of-the-addict/#comment-755 Internet Pornography Addiction Tue, 14 Aug 2007 06:07:56 +0000 http://markbrouwer.com/?p=69#comment-755 I know first hand what these addicitons can do to a spouse for I have done them. When I did them it was not out of a desire to hurt her but I was certainly not fully aware of the pain I was causing. When I decided to work really hard to be better I woke up and realized what I had done. It was too late by then but I am happy I have learned this for the future. I've even started a blog to help people stop hurting themselves and others. These addictions make people turn inward and not care very much if at all about those around them. As far as not trusting guys I can certainly understand that. How do you know which ones are not struggling with the same weaknesses? It's easy to become sinical and think everyone is out of fear of getting hurt again. Fear can keep you from meeting good people though and having good experiences. I see you're religious, that's great. God will help you to discern the true character of men you meet in every day life and especially those you consider a relationship with. Lean unto him, he will not mislead you. We as individuals can only wait and watch for actions of people to judge their character. Great Post! I know first hand what these addicitons can do to a spouse for I have done them. When I did them it was not out of a desire to hurt her but I was certainly not fully aware of the pain I was causing. When I decided to work really hard to be better I woke up and realized what I had done. It was too late by then but I am happy I have learned this for the future. I’ve even started a blog to help people stop hurting themselves and others. These addictions make people turn inward and not care very much if at all about those around them. As far as not trusting guys I can certainly understand that. How do you know which ones are not struggling with the same weaknesses? It’s easy to become sinical and think everyone is out of fear of getting hurt again. Fear can keep you from meeting good people though and having good experiences. I see you’re religious, that’s great. God will help you to discern the true character of men you meet in every day life and especially those you consider a relationship with. Lean unto him, he will not mislead you. We as individuals can only wait and watch for actions of people to judge their character.

Great Post!

]]>