It has been six months since D-Day, three months into celibacy between us (he would say he has been sober for six months, but I would disagree and I have no way to know if he relapsed during any of this time.) I think cross addiction is probably the norm, and from observation within my limited experience, a pervasive misery about life and feeding that misery is the baseline for many addictive behaviors.

He is trying to overcome his compulsion to lie and communicate more openly. He is trying to stop smoking but we will see if that lasts longer than previous attempts. He is trying to spend more carefully but failed miserably in September. The food addiction is proving more difficult.

The ever present misery addiction is being fed by the rollercoaster of shame and pain that he and I go round and round about – my deep pain and emotional cycling maintains his emotional highs and lows and transfers his obsessions to my emotional state rather than focusing on his own issues. I’ve read that being in a supportive relationship increases the chances for a sex addict to recover, but I’ve also read that addicts should wait a year of sobriety before being in a relationship, and I’m not sure a devastated wife and crumbled marriage counts as a supportive relationship.

As for the work of recovery, he does all the outward passive things: attends SA group and meetings every week, therapy every other week, meditates and walks for exercise somewhat regularly, reads and reads and reads. He has done the New Warrior weekend, which seemed to help alot, but that was still participatory rather than he initation his own recovery work.

He, so far, has not done the difficult work of applying the activities in those books he reads, hasn’t actually started on the steps, doesn’t journal like his therapist requested, doesn’t do strenuous exercise or keep a regular schedule or carefully watch his sleep and diet and activity or call his sponsor every week or have a written plan for long term recovery or even a written plan for if he feels a lapse coming on. So, he is maybe a quarter of the way moving forward.

I have seen some positive changes, but not enough to qualify as a life overhaul needed to rewire the brain and really recover. At least not to the level which would provide me more comfort and hope. There are days I want to reach out to him with love and compassion, and other days that I shiver with disgust and overwhelming need to run away, and other days I just cry.

I am doing some of my work to recover from the trauma: therapy, family or origin exercises, trying to sleep and eat better (lost 30 lbs and my doctor is concerned), maintaining my support group, trying to keep myself together to minimize the cycling, lots of journaling, lots of reading, learning better communication skills, trying to fend off depression and despair.

This post got really long.

- Mark