No sex please, we’re married

Our culture is very mixed up about sex. On the one hand, we seem to be obsessed with it. A quick glance at today’s music, movies, television shows, and magazines might make you think think that everyone is having sex all the time. But such is not the case.

I recently read an article about one couples’ struggle to get back to a healthy place in their sex life. In middle age, with kids, they are finding that things are slowing down in the bedroom. And doing some research, they discover they’re not alone. The author (Amanda Robb) writes:

Experts say that about 43 percent of women and 31 percent of men between ages 18 and 59 suffer from sexual problems; for women, low desire leads the list. Common causes include fatigue, stress, hormonal changes (childbirth and menopause for women, falling testosterone levels for men), weight gain, and the use of alcohol and certain drugs (both prescription and illicit), as well as anxiety, depression, and illness. Last year the New York Times reported that an estimated 15 percent of married couples had not made love during the previous six to 12 months.

You might want to read the article … it’s an interesting story. The couple turns to therapist and author David Snarch, and he helps them face an impasse in their marriage. The challenge for many couples is what Snarch calls “emotional gridlock.” Not dealing with the real issues that are dividing them, and therefore coexisting on a more or less superficial level.

I’ll close with my favorite quote from Snarch in the article: “Bottom line: If you are not able to effectively tell each other what you really mean, need, and want with your clothes on, how are you ever going to do it naked?”

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