Being a real man in recovery

how-to-be-a-manIt’s hard to be a healthy man in our culture today. What does it mean to be a “real man?” Or even to be a “good man?” There are the biological realities of being male … the unique brain structure and physiology (eg. the testosterone coursing through our veins). There are also the sociological realities of being male … the constructs and ideals about what a “real man” should be like.

In the process of recovering form any addiction — and especially sexual addiction — coming to terms with the needs of our soul is essential. And this means coming to understand and work with our emotional hurts and needs.

There’s a saying in AA: “You can take the alcohol out of the alcoholic, but you’re still left with the ‘ic.'” In other words, if you take the addictive substance or behavior away from someone without doing the work of deep change, you’re still going to have problems … (the “ick”). And getting at these deeper issues forces us to wade through emotions and experiences that might not seem “manly.”

But we’ve got to do this work. If manliness means being disconnected from our inner life, forget about manliness. That’s a recipe for disaster! The devotional book “Touchstones” has this say about “manliness” and recovery.

It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more “manhood” to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind.
–Alex Karras

In our culture, being a man often means being tough and not showing feelings. We realize in this life of recovery that those are silly and immature myths, even though we see them repeatedly on TV, on billboards, and in newspapers.

When we are told these things repeatedly, it makes an impact on us. So we need to hear from each other that this is not the way we wish to live. We don’t admire these attitudes, and we don’t believe the stories. Truly courageous men know themselves. They have been around enough to have depth to their souls, to let themselves love, and to feel the pain of life.

Today, I am grateful to know and share my feelings and to have genuine relationships with those I love.

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