An important part of recovery from any addiction — and especially sexual addiction — is the establishment of healthy relationships. Sometimes this means healing and/or strengthening existing relationships. But sometimes our addiction has cost us relationships, and we need to establish new ones.
Today’s article, by guest writer Anne Loy, has some important wisdom for people in the process of establishing romantic relationships: don’t rush. Here’s Anne …
Sexual addiction interferes with our relationships, friendships and sometimes, even our profession. Those who have managed to start their journey to recovery by attending workshops and seminars and taken part in therapy, however, soon begin to feel more confident about pursuing something they may have always wanted deep in their hearts: a relationship based on trust, commitment and honesty.
While this is undoubtedly a laudable aim, it’s important people in recovery to ensure that they don’t rush into it. It’s difficult for relationships to flourish when we seek them out because of fear, insecurity or the need to evade loneliness. Without a healthy foundation, these relationships can soon become co-dependent. If you have met someone who attracts you physically, mentally and emotionally but you are afraid that you may be moving too fast, be on the lookout for the following signs that you may be replacing your addiction to sex, with an addiction to romance or romantic intrigue:
- You are rushing in to ‘seal the deal’. If you find that it is very important to establish that your new interest is your ‘girlfriend’ or ‘boyfriend’, that it is vital to make it official when you have only been on a few dates, be wary. You could risk entering into a co-dependent relationship, especially if your love interest is also a little too keen on establishing the existence of a relationship. Try to take a more mindful approach to dating, simply enjoying spending significant moments together and trying not to plan out the future of your relationship it is not yet necessary. Try to avoiding using special occasions such as Valentine’s Day or a birthday, for instance, to propose marriage or to officially declare that you are a couple.
- Your significant other quickly becomes the center of your life, despite the fact you may not know them well. To what extent do your core values and those of your love interest overlap? What interests do you share? What significant events, people and experiences have shaped them into who they are today? Before embarking on a big commitment, you need to be able to answer these questions with confidence. In the first few weeks (and even months) of getting to know someone, they may not have felt confident enough to share vital information and experiences with you. Give them time to do so at their pace.
- You find that you are allowing your partner to cross boundaries. An important indicator that your relationship may be a co-dependent one is when your love interest or partner constantly crosses boundaries of respect or your personal limits, yet you allow them to continue to do so because you are scared of losing them. This type of relationship eventually burns both parties, so make sure that you assert yourself in a calm but secure way.
- You’re starting to ignore family and friends. In the beginning stages of a relationship, it is normal to let other relationships slide ‘just a little bit’. In healthy relationships, however, this neglect is not prolonged and it does not seriously affect the quality of your other relationships. Try to think of life as comprising many ‘glasses’ – friends, family, relationships, hobbies, work, exercise – and make sure that none of these glasses are ever empty.
- Your partner sees your relationship differently. If your love interest is not co-dependent, their opinion on the pace at which you are moving is of great value. If you find that you are not on the same page or they ask you take it a little slower, this does not mean that you cannot move forward. However, it is vital to give them the space they need, as well as the freedom to decide whether or not they see the future of your relationship in the same light.
If you do find that your fear of being alone is propelling you into a relationship and you decide to take some steps back, start working on making yourself happy, supporting yourself and being self-compassionate. Being single does mean being lonely; on the contrary, it can be an excellent time to work on your health and wellness, and on fostering meaningful friendships which do not necessarily revolve around romance or sex.