Comments for sexualsanity.com http://sexual-sanity.com finding intimacy and freedom from pornography and sex addiction Wed, 16 May 2012 03:03:51 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.2 Comment on Codepedence is not just an issue for partners of addicts by Mark http://sexual-sanity.com/2012/04/codepedence-is-not-just-an-issue-for-partners-of-addicts/#comment-8464 Mark Wed, 16 May 2012 03:03:51 +0000 http://sexual-sanity.com/?p=1312#comment-8464 Todd and Greg -- thanks so much for your comments. It's great that you both recognize codependence in yourselves ... and it seems like you're finding change from it. Recognition and the ability to name it is super-significant in the process of change. I want to especially highlight your comments Greg ... you put into words something that I see a LOT in my work with married sexual strugglers. Too many men stay stuck in their recovery, and live with chaos and insecurity because of their inability or unwillingness to create boundaries with their wives who are responding in unhealthy and destructive ways. This is a tricky business, because MOST male sex addicts are married to women who are responding in normal, healthy ways (which will include anger, sadness, and even a certain amount of harsh, "judgmental" sounding language). Some of the sex addicts married to them will respond defensively to their anger and pain, and use what we're talking about here in this article - and what you're sharing from your story - as ammunition to shut their wives down. I'm not talking about them. The issue we're talking about here -- what you're referring to -- is when spouses never move beyond the anger, hurt, judgmentalism, and even vintictiveness ... and there begins a very unhealthy patters of a wife verbally, spiritually, (and sometimes even physically) beating up her husband over and over again. That's unhealthy and dangerous. It sounds like you did what you needed to do. Blessings. Todd and Greg — thanks so much for your comments. It’s great that you both recognize codependence in yourselves … and it seems like you’re finding change from it. Recognition and the ability to name it is super-significant in the process of change. I want to especially highlight your comments Greg … you put into words something that I see a LOT in my work with married sexual strugglers. Too many men stay stuck in their recovery, and live with chaos and insecurity because of their inability or unwillingness to create boundaries with their wives who are responding in unhealthy and destructive ways. This is a tricky business, because MOST male sex addicts are married to women who are responding in normal, healthy ways (which will include anger, sadness, and even a certain amount of harsh, “judgmental” sounding language). Some of the sex addicts married to them will respond defensively to their anger and pain, and use what we’re talking about here in this article – and what you’re sharing from your story – as ammunition to shut their wives down. I’m not talking about them. The issue we’re talking about here — what you’re referring to — is when spouses never move beyond the anger, hurt, judgmentalism, and even vintictiveness … and there begins a very unhealthy patters of a wife verbally, spiritually, (and sometimes even physically) beating up her husband over and over again. That’s unhealthy and dangerous. It sounds like you did what you needed to do. Blessings.

]]> Comment on Codepedence is not just an issue for partners of addicts by Greg Scott http://sexual-sanity.com/2012/04/codepedence-is-not-just-an-issue-for-partners-of-addicts/#comment-8463 Greg Scott Tue, 15 May 2012 20:17:13 +0000 http://sexual-sanity.com/?p=1312#comment-8463 My experience, both personal and with other men with whom I work, has been that codependence on your spouse in a marriage, particularly in an immeshed relationship, can be a form of idolatry that blocks access to God's healing power. I spent _years_ with my (now ex-)wife as my judgemental, punishing god, because I _deserved_ the verbal and emotional abuse she heaped on me out of her own pain. My Christian beliefs couldn't develop into faith and trust in Christ because I was in bondage to my wife's contempt and judgement. And the last thing the spouse of a sex addict that isn't in her own recovery program wants to hear is that she "owns" anything having to do with his disease. One thing over which I had no control was whether the marriage could/should/would continue. For a Christian, that's an especially hard consequence to have to face. In my case, it took the ending of a marriage of 19 years to free me from the idolatry/codependency prison. God immediately took over in my life, and I've not looked back for ten years. My experience, both personal and with other men with whom I work, has been that
codependence on your spouse in a marriage, particularly in an immeshed relationship,
can be a form of idolatry that blocks access to God’s healing power. I spent _years_
with my (now ex-)wife as my judgemental, punishing god, because I _deserved_ the
verbal and emotional abuse she heaped on me out of her own pain. My Christian beliefs
couldn’t develop into faith and trust in Christ because I was in bondage to my wife’s
contempt and judgement.

And the last thing the spouse of a sex addict that isn’t in her own recovery program wants
to hear is that she “owns” anything having to do with his disease.

One thing over which I had no control was whether the marriage could/should/would continue.
For a Christian, that’s an especially hard consequence to have to face. In my case, it took the
ending of a marriage of 19 years to free me from the idolatry/codependency prison. God immediately
took over in my life, and I’ve not looked back for ten years.

]]> Comment on Pornography Addiction Recovery – Four steps to Freedom by Necati http://sexual-sanity.com/2010/11/pornography-addiction-recovery-four-steps-to-freedom/#comment-8460 Necati Tue, 15 May 2012 14:52:53 +0000 http://sexual-sanity.com/?p=844#comment-8460 that we have to work it out between the 2 of us??? As if this was sotmiheng that I caused??? (We have only been married 3 1/2 yrs, His divorce from her mother is what caused it, because of her infidelity. Also a issue they had with their oldest daughter when she went off to college at 19. I just happen to get all the left over insanity from it. I found this out the 1st yr we were married, that he was an alcoholic, as I was finding bottles of vodka hidden in our garage, or his work shed, etc. He told me that he only drank wine prior to our marriage). They think if they bury their head in the sand & PRETEND that it does not exist, it will all go away. What is going to go away is their dad & son! & maybe myself & my little life saver of a dog, Bella, (She is the only love I have or get in my life. He already let her jump out of our moving truck, it's amazing she didn't get run over or killed. Fortunately, it was right in front of our house.) I don't understand that attitude from his family for the LIFE of me??? Yet if sotmiheng bad happened, I KNOW they would all blame me. As his mom did already when I tried to tell her about 1 occurance, she said, well, who gave it to him ??? He is 59 yrs old! And each yr, he grows more and MORE combative, more arguementive. But he doesn't think he has a problem, or just doesn't care. But I am tired of his mental & emotional abuse. It is costing ME everything, including my relationship with the Lord. What do or can you do when they will not admit that they even HAVE a problem or they refuse to go get help??? that we have to work it out between the 2 of us??? As if this was sotmiheng that I caused??? (We have only been married 3 1/2 yrs, His divorce from her mother is what caused it, because of her infidelity. Also a issue they had with their oldest daughter when she went off to college at 19. I just happen to get all the left over insanity from it. I found this out the 1st yr we were married, that he was an alcoholic, as I was finding bottles of vodka hidden in our garage, or his work shed, etc. He told me that he only drank wine prior to our marriage). They think if they bury their head in the sand & PRETEND that it does not exist, it will all go away. What is going to go away is their dad & son! & maybe myself & my little life saver of a dog, Bella, (She is the only love I have or get in my life. He already let her jump out of our moving truck, it’s amazing she didn’t get run over or killed. Fortunately, it was right in front of our house.) I don’t understand that attitude from his family for the LIFE of me??? Yet if sotmiheng bad happened, I KNOW they would all blame me. As his mom did already when I tried to tell her about 1 occurance, she said, well, who gave it to him ??? He is 59 yrs old! And each yr, he grows more and MORE combative, more arguementive. But he doesn’t think he has a problem, or just doesn’t care. But I am tired of his mental & emotional abuse. It is costing ME everything, including my relationship with the Lord. What do or can you do when they will not admit that they even HAVE a problem or they refuse to go get help???

]]> Comment on What does it mean to forgive? by francine http://sexual-sanity.com/2010/02/what-does-it-mean-to-forgive/#comment-8457 francine Tue, 15 May 2012 12:06:47 +0000 http://sexual-sanity.com/?p=674#comment-8457 1. Do you forgive oterhs easily? Why or why not?Mostly. Its just easier most times to let something go rather than cling to it. But there are exceptions.2. Do you forgive oterhs without strings attached to that forgiveness or do you think it's part of the process to withhold something from or hold something over someone? (i.e. time?, money, love, etc)Its really the only way to do it which makes it a one way street at times. The only thing I withhold is trust. My forgiveness of your wrongdoing does not mean I have to trust you again. Trust is not given, at least not on the human scale, its earned.3. Do you forgive yourself easily? Why or why not?I was completely incapable of this as a fundamentalist. Fortunately I met Jesus and it just so happened that he wasnt a fundie. What a shock *and* a relief.4. Do you forgive oterhs faster than you would yourself? Why or why not?Mostly not anymore. But at times I do find it easier to forgive someone else. I mean, you aren't living in their head, you're living in your own. So mostly you get to see your own screwups replayed in that vast theater of the mind.5. Do you forgive yourself faster than you would oterhs? Why or why not?Nowadays its about the same, it just really depends upon the circumstances at the time.6. Do you feel that there are instances where it's OK to NOT forgive someone? If yes, what would those instances be?Whenever you find yourself incapable of it. You are *not* god. You may imitate god, but you will never *be* god. Newsflash, this means you are finite, limited, and will come up against moments where you find that even your faith cannot take you any further. Welcome to humanity, nice of you to join the rest of us.7. If you've had trouble forgiving someone (or yourself) did you find that it affected you emotionally? physically? spiritually?I was going to say, No, but that's not true. I was affected spiritually/emotionally: I came face first with my limitations.8. Do you believe that you can forgive someone and NOT have a relationship with them? Why or why not?Of course. Again this is a question of whether you believe you are god or you are human. Human = limited + fallible. God =/= limited or fallible.The other half of this question is, are you really ever *not* in a relationship with someone you need to or have forgiven? Physical contact is the norm, but you can have feelings for or against someone without ever having met them. Thus you are in relationship with them. Perhaps this emphasizes the benefit of forgiveness?9. How would you define "forgiveness" and how do you know when you've truly forgiven someone?Hrm. That one's more difficult. I mean the definition is kind of the word, right? Hated those in elementary school =) Anywho, I would define it maybe as the ability to let it go, to let them go, to release something.I would certainly *not* say that forgiveness is some random choice that I must will myself to make. That, quite honestly, would be a falsehood I would not be able to accept. I would rather have you hate me honestly, then to emotionally rape yourself by forcing forgiveness down your own throat.I would also add that trying to run this on some short term time scale is a mistake as well. You have no idea whether you will not wake up the next morning and find yourself fully capable of forgiveness. Instead of some kind of insta-obedience, perhaps the longer road to forgiveness is the true way of the cross.10. Is there someone in your past or present that you haven't been able to forgive?Of course. If you want to know more you can email me, because I believe we have spoken about this before.Glad to see you actively writing. Keep up the good work.peaceCarl 1. Do you forgive oterhs easily? Why or why not?Mostly. Its just easier most times to let something go rather than cling to it. But there are exceptions.2. Do you forgive oterhs without strings attached to that forgiveness or do you think it’s part of the process to withhold something from or hold something over someone? (i.e. time?, money, love, etc)Its really the only way to do it which makes it a one way street at times. The only thing I withhold is trust. My forgiveness of your wrongdoing does not mean I have to trust you again. Trust is not given, at least not on the human scale, its earned.3. Do you forgive yourself easily? Why or why not?I was completely incapable of this as a fundamentalist. Fortunately I met Jesus and it just so happened that he wasnt a fundie. What a shock *and* a relief.4. Do you forgive oterhs faster than you would yourself? Why or why not?Mostly not anymore. But at times I do find it easier to forgive someone else. I mean, you aren’t living in their head, you’re living in your own. So mostly you get to see your own screwups replayed in that vast theater of the mind.5. Do you forgive yourself faster than you would oterhs? Why or why not?Nowadays its about the same, it just really depends upon the circumstances at the time.6. Do you feel that there are instances where it’s OK to NOT forgive someone? If yes, what would those instances be?Whenever you find yourself incapable of it. You are *not* god. You may imitate god, but you will never *be* god. Newsflash, this means you are finite, limited, and will come up against moments where you find that even your faith cannot take you any further. Welcome to humanity, nice of you to join the rest of us.7. If you’ve had trouble forgiving someone (or yourself) did you find that it affected you emotionally? physically? spiritually?I was going to say, No, but that’s not true. I was affected spiritually/emotionally: I came face first with my limitations.8. Do you believe that you can forgive someone and NOT have a relationship with them? Why or why not?Of course. Again this is a question of whether you believe you are god or you are human. Human = limited + fallible. God =/= limited or fallible.The other half of this question is, are you really ever *not* in a relationship with someone you need to or have forgiven? Physical contact is the norm, but you can have feelings for or against someone without ever having met them. Thus you are in relationship with them. Perhaps this emphasizes the benefit of forgiveness?9. How would you define “forgiveness” and how do you know when you’ve truly forgiven someone?Hrm. That one’s more difficult. I mean the definition is kind of the word, right? Hated those in elementary school =) Anywho, I would define it maybe as the ability to let it go, to let them go, to release something.I would certainly *not* say that forgiveness is some random choice that I must will myself to make. That, quite honestly, would be a falsehood I would not be able to accept. I would rather have you hate me honestly, then to emotionally rape yourself by forcing forgiveness down your own throat.I would also add that trying to run this on some short term time scale is a mistake as well. You have no idea whether you will not wake up the next morning and find yourself fully capable of forgiveness. Instead of some kind of insta-obedience, perhaps the longer road to forgiveness is the true way of the cross.10. Is there someone in your past or present that you haven’t been able to forgive?Of course. If you want to know more you can email me, because I believe we have spoken about this before.Glad to see you actively writing. Keep up the good work.peaceCarl

]]> Comment on The first task of recovery: Establishing Sobriety by Frank http://sexual-sanity.com/2009/01/the-first-task-of-recovery-establishing-sobriety/#comment-8452 Frank Tue, 15 May 2012 08:34:00 +0000 http://sexual-sanity.com/?p=247#comment-8452 (Note: Your entire post would not load; the other 4 I read did. I can only see the first two and a half scneenets.) A sponsee is in the middle of Step 7. As expressed in the 12 12, it is a favorite of mine, and the depth of possibilities glimpsed in those pages is gratifying. "Humility" appears nearly 30 times in 7 pages (seven times on pg 75 alone!), and there's a lot to chew on in the observations and examples presented. Early on, I absorbed many of the things I heard, and one of them was that what other people think of me is none of my business. I believe now that the sentiment is better served by starting the sentence with "Generally, etc." Like anything and everything else, moderation in thought and action is key to serenity within the rooms, rooms that are full of people just like me, apt to be off the beam at a few-to-many points during the day. There will always be people who silently feel superior or inferior to me or don't like the way I dress or feel that I smile too much or not enough, and on and on and on. If I truly strive toward a continuing change for the better in myself, then the embracing of humility will help me to keep the focus on my progress on the path. At any given time of the day or night, there is only one entity that I have to be right with, and it's not one of this earth. (Note: Your entire post would not load; the other 4 I read did. I can only see the first two and a half scneenets.) A sponsee is in the middle of Step 7. As expressed in the 12 12, it is a favorite of mine, and the depth of possibilities glimpsed in those pages is gratifying. “Humility” appears nearly 30 times in 7 pages (seven times on pg 75 alone!), and there’s a lot to chew on in the observations and examples presented. Early on, I absorbed many of the things I heard, and one of them was that what other people think of me is none of my business. I believe now that the sentiment is better served by starting the sentence with “Generally, etc.” Like anything and everything else, moderation in thought and action is key to serenity within the rooms, rooms that are full of people just like me, apt to be off the beam at a few-to-many points during the day. There will always be people who silently feel superior or inferior to me or don’t like the way I dress or feel that I smile too much or not enough, and on and on and on. If I truly strive toward a continuing change for the better in myself, then the embracing of humility will help me to keep the focus on my progress on the path. At any given time of the day or night, there is only one entity that I have to be right with, and it’s not one of this earth.

]]> Comment on Learning to Trust Others Helps us Recover from Addiction by Lissi http://sexual-sanity.com/2010/08/learning-to-trust-others-helps-us-recover-from-addiction/#comment-8451 Lissi Tue, 15 May 2012 08:15:35 +0000 http://sexual-sanity.com/?p=766#comment-8451 God doesn't compartmentalize we need to bring all those parts tgehtoer, find healing, and ultimately be present Very powerful. This is so crucial, to cut out the alibi's, the different faces I present to different people, the different sides of chad that are all fragment and disjointed. Live in truth. God doesn’t compartmentalize we need to bring all those parts tgehtoer, find healing, and ultimately be present Very powerful. This is so crucial, to cut out the alibi’s, the different faces I present to different people, the different sides of chad that are all fragment and disjointed. Live in truth.

]]> Comment on Sexual Addiction – Help for the Sex Addict’s Spouse by Sema http://sexual-sanity.com/2010/04/sexual-addiction-help-for-the-sex-addicts-spouse/#comment-8441 Sema Mon, 14 May 2012 14:31:08 +0000 http://sexual-sanity.com/?p=707#comment-8441 Monday, Tuesday, or Thursday would work best for me. I'd prefer beetewn 8 and 9 EST, but I wonder if 8:30 to 9:30 pm here would make it easier in Chicago. That would make it 7:30 to 8:30 pm Central. Monday, Tuesday, or Thursday would work best for me. I’d prefer beetewn 8 and 9 EST, but I wonder if 8:30 to 9:30 pm here would make it easier in Chicago. That would make it 7:30 to 8:30 pm Central.

]]> Comment on Guarding against emotional affairs by Alex http://sexual-sanity.com/2010/01/guarding-against-emotional-affairs/#comment-8440 Alex Mon, 14 May 2012 12:53:56 +0000 http://sexual-sanity.com/?p=580#comment-8440 How long in a relationship do you go with out haivng sex?*no more than a wkIs sex that important in a relationship?*absolutely importantWhat if you were haivng sex with your partner before you became a couple, but after the sex stop, how would you feel?*very hurt to start Do you feel if your partner isn92t haivng sex with you, they are haivng sex with someone else?*depends.What does it mean if you partner says no sex because 93we are there yet94?Do you feel lonely in your relationship without sex?*hell yes!What if there is NO intimacy at all, what should you do?*ask why, can it be fixed, if not them leaveIs the problem caused by your partner talking only bout SEX. Everything revolves around SEX?*hey it's important, so why not talk about it?Could it be because you & / Or your partner don92t feel good about their body?*yesIs it because sex between you and your partner is WACK?*maybe but that would be found out in the first few sessions wouldn't it?Could it be your sexual education is way lower than your partner or vise versa?lol. Education? how about drive? sometimes ppls drives change and you and your partner aren't on the same sex page and that's okay. Choices are either stay and work it out, not work it out and or leave it alone and keep it movingWhat if your partner is not able to rise to the occasion, do you up and leave?*it's understandable that one of the partners will just not be able to rise up for the occasion, it happens. However, if it's repeatedly, then somethings up and should be addressed.If your the one holding out, what is it that your partner needs to do to help correct this issue?*sexual blackmail is just wrong no matter which partner is holding out. Why bother being in a relationship if someone tries to control the other one by holding out? Why does the holdee feel they can treat their partner with this type of action? Holding out is the act of power tripping, imho How long in a relationship do you go with out haivng sex?*no more than a wkIs sex that important in a relationship?*absolutely importantWhat if you were haivng sex with your partner before you became a couple, but after the sex stop, how would you feel?*very hurt to start Do you feel if your partner isn92t haivng sex with you, they are haivng sex with someone else?*depends.What does it mean if you partner says no sex because 93we are there yet94?Do you feel lonely in your relationship without sex?*hell yes!What if there is NO intimacy at all, what should you do?*ask why, can it be fixed, if not them leaveIs the problem caused by your partner talking only bout SEX. Everything revolves around SEX?*hey it’s important, so why not talk about it?Could it be because you & / Or your partner don92t feel good about their body?*yesIs it because sex between you and your partner is WACK?*maybe but that would be found out in the first few sessions wouldn’t it?Could it be your sexual education is way lower than your partner or vise versa?lol. Education? how about drive? sometimes ppls drives change and you and your partner aren’t on the same sex page and that’s okay. Choices are either stay and work it out, not work it out and or leave it alone and keep it movingWhat if your partner is not able to rise to the occasion, do you up and leave?*it’s understandable that one of the partners will just not be able to rise up for the occasion, it happens. However, if it’s repeatedly, then somethings up and should be addressed.If your the one holding out, what is it that your partner needs to do to help correct this issue?*sexual blackmail is just wrong no matter which partner is holding out. Why bother being in a relationship if someone tries to control the other one by holding out? Why does the holdee feel they can treat their partner with this type of action? Holding out is the act of power tripping, imho

]]> Comment on What to do if you’re struggling to stay sober by Ranjann http://sexual-sanity.com/2011/01/what-to-do-if-youre-struggling-to-stay-sober/#comment-8439 Ranjann Mon, 14 May 2012 12:46:45 +0000 http://sexual-sanity.com/?p=1068#comment-8439 This is a really blog, and I've laerned a lot from it. I first read about this site from the Chicago Red Eye. I also have a site called Sex Addiction Info .I think your site is full of a lot of good knowledge for people, and I'm going to build a link to you for people to gather more info. This is a really blog, and I’ve laerned a lot from it. I first read about this site from the Chicago Red Eye. I also have a site called Sex Addiction Info .I think your site is full of a lot of good knowledge for people, and I’m going to build a link to you for people to gather more info.

]]> Comment on 12 Step Recovery and Christianity — do they click or clash? by Jaedon http://sexual-sanity.com/2010/12/12-step-recovery-and-christianity-do-they-click-or-clash/#comment-8438 Jaedon Mon, 14 May 2012 12:30:21 +0000 http://sexual-sanity.com/?p=1054#comment-8438 I\'ve been clean for a year now, I\'m in a program caleld drug court where i\'m drug tested weekly. The program is about over now so i\'m worried. I have stayed clean for3 and 4 years at a time, but the meth always takes over again. I am a miserable man looking for an answer.Don I\’ve been clean for a year now, I\’m in a program caleld drug court where i\’m drug tested weekly. The program is about over now so i\’m worried. I have stayed clean for3 and 4 years at a time, but the meth always takes over again. I am a miserable man looking for an answer.Don

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