Relating without manipulating

All of us want better relationships. For many of us, addiction has created walls of distrust and isolation. Many of us struggle with codependence, which creates stress, confusion, and resentment in our relationships.

Addiction isolates, and community (friendship, love, intimacy) heals us. But we have to learn how to relate in healthy ways, so that we can build friendship, love, and intimacy. Our addiction and codependent relationships are evidence of the fact that this doesn’t come naturally to us. We have to learn.

If we can learn this one thing, it will make our relationships work 10 times better: relate honestly, no manipulation. When we are manipulative with others, we create distrust and resentment. If we are skilled manipulators, we can be so subtle that it’s hard for people to tell that we’re being manipulative. But that doesn’t matter: if we are subtly manipulative, it just means that people will be subtly resistant, and over time we’ll notice them pulling away from us. They may not even be able to articulate why they are pulling away … they just don’t like being around us.

How do we manipulate? Besides manipulation through outright lying, here are some key strategies of manipulation. Be honest with yourself – do you do any of these?

1. Being passive-aggressive is a means of punishing people when they displease us without acknowledging that (a) we are displeased, or (b) that we are punishing them. It is a way of relating that does not admit our displeasure with someone, and therefore creates confusion and consternation in the people around us. They know they’ve done something that bothers us, but are not sure what.
2. Unspoken guidance is another way we try to manipulate other peoples’ behavior. In this case, we are trying to get them to do more of the things we like. To accomplish this, we do things that seem kind and sweet, but aren’t done out of the goodness of our heart. We are doing the things we do as a way of getting others to respond to us in a certain way.
3. Sulking is a means of letting others know we are displeased and forcing them to attempt to win back our approval. Note that we aren’t telling them that we’re displeased, or why … we are expecting them to intuit this, and then go out of their way to be nice or apologetic to us.
4. Flattery is a false expression of approval that we don’t really feel – giving others good strokes for our own purpose. We want them to feel something towards us, or do something for us … so we offer insincere praise.
5. Withholding deserved praise is another manipulation strategy. It is a means of putting others down without overtly saying anything unkind. We seek to “bring others down” by refusing to encourage or affirm something that legitimately deserves to be affirmed or encouraged. Usually we do this because of jealousy or resentment.

Manipulative behavior is almost always selfish behavior. It is usually a false means of trying to get our own way. It is an immature and unhealthy way of dealing with people and situations — and it often backfires because people sense the manipulation and resent it.

Never forget this: We don’t have the right or the responsibility to control or regulate other people. If we want to influence another’s actions, our best approach is simply to state our own desires/needs with sincerity and honesty. Others must be free to act, free to choose, and free to make their own decisions without manipulative interference on our part.

The best way to avoid being manipulative is to do two things:

(1) Do whatever we need to stay in touch with our own emotions and needs. We can’t deal with our emotions and needs if we don’t understand what they are.

(2) Find ways of honestly expressing those emotions and needs. There will be times when emotional triggers highjack us, or busy schedules overwhelm and cause us to shut down. When that happens, we will need to step back, quiet ourselves, and possibly meditate or journal to get back in touch with our souls.

This might sound like a lot of work, and it is at first. But it does get easier over time, and the rewards are tremendous. The rewards are serenity, intimacy, and recovery.

* This is a remix of a meditation by Mel B, published in “Walk in Dry Places” by Hazelden Publishing. I took some of Mel’s ideas and mixed them with my own, rewording, adding things, and taking other things out. My sense is that what separates written “remixing” like I’m doing here and plagiarism is that I’m acknowledging my debt to the source.

What do you think? Do you find other ways people are manipulative in relationships? Do you think this impacts recovery?

Moving Crew: me with son Alex and nephew Tyler

This year has been time of a major transition for our family. In June of last year, I started pastoring Jacob’s Well Church, a small church in the Chicago area. Jacob’s Well allows me to serve as pastor on a less-than-full-time basis, thus allowing me to continue doing my coaching and recovery teaching.

For the past year, I’ve been leading two weekly coaching groups that “meet” over the phone, as well as a face to face coaching group just for pastors. I also travel to Minnesota and speak at the Sex Addiction Workshop with Mark Laaser of Faithful and True Ministries once a month (most months).

With these transitions, I slowed down the writing I did on this blog (sexualsanity.com) and transitioned the “Recovery Journey” (a recovery program I established in 2010) to be more of a stand alone program.

For much of this past year, our future has been uncertain. My work at Jacob’s Well was that of a transition pastor, working to help the church decide what to do for its future. As a transition (or interim) specialist, it was quite possible that I would have relocated again sometime in 2012 to work full-time in a different church.

To make a long story short, I have agreed to continue as the pastor of Jacob’s Well church on a long term basis. In doing so, I will continue to work not-quite full time at the church, leaving some space to continue my work with Recovery Remixed.

Another milestone for us is that this year Charlene finished her Master’s in Counseling and Psychotherapy, with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy. She has been doing some teaching with me, as well as counseling women and couples … and we anticipate that her counseling load will be growing this year.

It’s not clear all the ways that Recovery Remixed will transition this year, but at this point, several things are clear:

1. I will be re-engaging with the writing I do on the sexualsanity.com blog. It’s amazing to me to see that even though I’ve only been posting sporadically, we are still maintaining 10,000 visitors a month, and every day new people sign up to receive our newsletter.

2. I will be re-engaging with social media, to continue to get the message out. If you don’t already, I invite you to follow me on Twitter (use button below). I use Twitter as a way to share recovery insights and information (articles, videos, etc.). I’m not chatty. I’m not going to tell you what I ate for dinner, or how I feel about the Minnesota Vikings or the Kardashians. Just recovery, with an emphasis on emotional and spiritual health.

Follow @markbrouwer

I also am launching a page on Facebook for Recovery Remixed. It’s going to be a work in progress for a few weeks here, but by all means “like” it, so we can get the party started!

http://facebook.com/recoveryremixed

I promise that with Twitter and Facebook, I’m going to be focusing more on recovery in general and not be super sex-specific — we don’t want to get into any NSFW territory, or things that might freak your mother-in-law out if she saw it.

3. I will be re-engaging my email news list, establishing an “Ezine” called “Recovery Remixed Report” that will go out every week. It will be worth your time: a feature article and an update about the ministry of Recovery Remixed. This year I haven’t been doing much with this list, and I want to reengage people with more information. Let me know about anything you’d like to hear more about … any ideas for articles?

Have you signed up for the newsletter yet? If you signed up to get the free book, you’re already on the list … but if not, use the form below:

4. The message I want to extend has clarified … I want to focus more and more on Recovery in general, not just on sexual struggles, and especially on emotional and spiritual health as the foundation and ongoing work of long term recovery.

I am still convinced – in fact, increasingly so – that the key to ongoing recovery is nothing short of reinventing one’s life in ways that nurture emotional and spiritual health. Without that, our “recovery” efforts, are simply white knuckling it … and they won’t last.

Looking forward to the next season of our work!

Our fantasies exercise their power by creating scenarios which promise to meet our deepest needs. Instead of being fearful and uncertain, in his fantasy he is decisive and courageous. Instead of being isolated and lonely, in her fantasy she is surrounded by friends. Instead of being poor, in his fantasy he is rich. The same is true about sexual fantasies. At their core, sexual fantasies reveal our longings for connection, intimacy, and acceptance.

1. Fantasies create a vicious cycle

Fantasies are destructive. Obviously, sexual fantasies feed the lust that is at the center of sex addiction. Addicts nurture and meditate on these fantasies, which feeds their addiction and keeps them from engaging reality.

But non-sexual fantasies are also destructive because they also keep us from engaging reality. When I was in training for life coaching, I remember one of my teachers harping on the dangers of fantasy. She wasn’t warning us about sexual fantasy: her concern was with fantasies about getting rich, winning the lottery, being famous, and the like. She said the problem with fantasies is this (we’ll call it the “law of fantasy”):

The more you are fantasizing about something, the less you are actually doing about it.

Part of this is simple time economics. There are only so many hours in a day, and only so much energy at our disposal. Every minute spent fantasizing about what life would be like if a certain goal is reached is a minute lost to the pursuit of that goal in actuality.

But it’s worse than that. Fantasy doesn’t just keep us too occupied to take action … it actually robs us of the energy and enthusiasm we need to pursue our goal.

Fantasy creates a vicious cycle: By not engaging reality, the addict’s life gets more unsatisfying as his or her problems grow. This creates even more motivation for the addict to escape reality through fantasy, which makes the real-life problems worse, and increases his or her desire for escape. Instead of doing the things they need to do to positively affect their future, addicts indulge in fantasies that keep them from moving forward in life.

2. Engaging in fantasy keeps us from pursuing our vision

Fantasies and vision are both pictures in our minds of something we wish were true for us. But in contrast to fantasy, vision is more closely tied to reality. In fact, this is the primary distinction between the two … vision is a desired future about which I can see steps to take to move me towards it. Fantasy is something that is disconnected from my reality. It’s out there in the distance.

Think of it this way: Imagine being on one side of a chasm — and being able to see the other side. You might be able see great things on the other side, and wish you were there, but there is no way to get across. So you just imagine “what-if” scenarios about what it must be like to be there. That’s fantasy.

Now imagine that there are some ropes that span the chasm. It might not work to simply walk across, but you see some things around that you could use to reinforce the rope, and build a bridge of sorts to get across. Seeing the good things on the other side motivates you to work on building the bridge so you can actually get there.

That’s vision. With vision there is always a bridge between our present reality and the future dream.

Fantasies keep us stuck in the situation we are in. They don’t motivate us to move forward. Quite the contrary: they are coping strategies that enable us live with the status quo. Vision gives us hope, motivation, and direction that allows us to get moving. Even if a vision is idealistic, it is still tied closely enough to reality that we can see a way to move forward to achieve it.

3. How to tell if what you have is a vision or fantasy

So is the picture in your head a vision or a fantasy? How can you tell? Ask a very simple question:

What can I do to achieve it?

Is there a path for me to move forward to make that future a reality in my life? If there is a path you can see, and you get excited about taking that path (even though it might seem daunting), then you have a vision. If not, then you have a fantasy.

This again is where the law of fantasy comes in: the more you fantasize about something, the less you are actually doing about it. The more you fantasize, the less time and energy you have to plan and work towards a positive future. To put it another way: the more fantasy, the less vision.

4. In early recovery, vision needs to be centered around sobriety and health

It is vitally important for an addict in early recovery to develop vision for the kind of person he or she wants to be in recovery. It’s not important to have a grand vision for your life that is about having certain things or achieving vocational goals. In fact, it may be important for our recovery that we let go of some of our ambitions and attachments to achieving and having.

Instead of focusing on our grandiose plans, in early recovery it can be helpful to let those go. Instead try to imagine what it would be like to be an emotionally healthy person, with a healthy sex life, and a life of gratitude and contentment.

One way for people in early recovery to do this is to think simply in terms of what life could be like a year from today if they live in recovery and establish solid sobriety. That’s the basic broad “vision” that is helpful for recovery. Only later does one need to worry about further details being added in, like where to live, what to do for a living, the kind of car to drive, how to help other people who are addicts themselves.

At the beginning, forget about all that. Just focus on the vision of recovery first.

Can you imagine a life of sexual sobriety? Can you imagine living with contentment and joy, a life that does not include the MAP behaviors (masturbation, adultery, pornography)?

5. Creating this vision of recovery is hard – especially for sex addicts

Creating this vision of life in recovery is not easy. Many addicts feel a sense of hopelessness or futility about their prospects of success in recovery. This is especially a problem for sex addicts – because many recovery programs are new and access to “old timers” in the program is rare.

Many sex addicts are involved in groups or have a circle of recovering friends who struggle to stay sober and are living with repeated relapse. This can be discouraging, even debilitating. If we are surrounded by people who can’t stay sober, we will struggle with sobriety as well.

Addicts need to know – and really believe – that sexual purity, sobriety, and health are possible for them. One way of doing this is to spend time with people who have long-term sobriety – the “old timers.” This is another reason to be involved in a support group, especially one where you meet a variety of people who have significant sobriety. If you don’t have that in your local community, get involved in phone support where you can be connected to people who can feed your vision.

As my mentor Mark Laaser says, “Pay attention to your fantasies. They are messages from your soul that reveal your deepest longings.” If the fantasies are sexual, do what you need to do to turn them over to God, to discipline your mind to let them go and not allow the fantasies to create sexual arousal and lead you to act out.

But pay attention to the other fantasies too. What do you want your life to be like? What do you think about when you lie awake in bed at night? What do you daydream about? Pay attention to these thoughts. Seek to transition from mind filled with fantasies to a mind captured by vision.

Codependency happens when we lose touch with our sense of self, and become over-dependent on how other people are doing, and/or how they perceive us. Since we are not “okay” with ourselves, we have to work overtime to ensure that other people around us are doing okay, and/or that they feel good about us.

So we wind up tolerating things we shouldn’t tolerate, feeling responsible for things we shouldn’t feel responsible for, and compromising what we want simply in order to please someone else. This inevitably leads to distress and frustration, which causes the addict to move deeper into their addiction, and for the addict’s spouse to cope in other ways.

The issue of codependence is complicated for Christians, because it gets mixed up with our desire to love and serve other people. The Bible tells us to “consider others better than ourselves.” But the same Bible also tells us to love our neighbor as ourselves, which presupposes some sort of healthy self-regard. The Bible also portrays Jesus himself taking time away from the crowds – not being “nice” and doing what they want him to do – in order to rest and reconnect with God the Father.

The trick to living a recovery life in relationships with others is to know how to separate healthy love with unhealthy codependence.

Melody Beattie has been a great help for me over the years with her many books on this topic. One of her best books on this topic is a daily meditation book called “The Language of Letting Go.”

In another article on this blog, I wrote about codepedence, and quoted at length from her book. But it’s so good and helpful that I want to quote some more! What follows are some excerpts about the issue of “Property Lines”:

A helpful tool in our recovery, especially in the behavior we call detachment, is learning to identify who owns what. Then we let each person own and possess his or her rightful property.

If another person has an addiction, a problem, a feeling, or a self-defeating behavior, that is their property, not ours. If someone is a martyr, immersed in negativity, controlling, or manipulative, that is their issue, not ours.

If someone has acted and experienced a particular consequence, both the behavior and the consequence belong to that person.

People’s lies, deceptions, tricks, manipulations, abusive behaviors, inappropriate behaviors, cheating behaviors, and tacky behaviors belong to them, too. Not us.

People’s hopes and dreams are their property. Their guilt belongs to them too. Their happiness or misery is also theirs. So are their beliefs and messages.

If some people don’t like themselves, that is their choice. Their choices are their property, not ours. What people choose to say and do is their business.

What is our property? Our property includes our behaviors, problems, feelings, happiness, misery, choices, and messages; our ability to love, care, and nurture; our thoughts, our denial, our hopes and dreams for ourselves. Whether we allow ourselves to be controlled, manipulated, deceived, or mistreated is our business.

In recovery, we learn an appropriate sense of ownership. If something isn’t ours, we don’t take it. If we take it, we learn to give it back. Let other people have their property, and learn to own and take good care of what’s ours.

Today, I will work at developing a clear sense of what belongs to me, and what doesn’t. If it’s not mine, I won’t keep it. I will deal with myself, my issues, and my responsibilities.

If you want to learn more about codependence, consider signing up for the Recovery Journey, an e-course for people in recovery from sexual struggles. If you are the partner of someone who struggles, note that we have a special module with materials just for the partners. You can learn more about this program at the website: http://recoveryjourney.com

In the past year, my wife has started counseling wives of sexual strugglers, and we are now counseling couples together who are dealing with sex addiction and betrayal. After working exclusively with men who are struggling, it’s been interesting to get more of the spouse’s perspective on recovery. Here are some observations about forgiveness and restoration, for the spouses of sexual strugglers.

1. Forgiveness can’t be rushed

I have come to believe that it is foolish and destructive to try rush the process of forgiveness. Forgiveness is not a simple, one-time event. It is a process that takes time. Many spouses of sex addicts face an added burden because they feel they should forgive their spouse, but don’t feel ready to do so. Or if they do extend forgiveness, they continue to have feelings of hurt and anger, and don’t know how to express them.

Both addicts and spouses need to understand that the decision to forgive is different from the process of forgiving. We can’t simply decide to forgive and then move on as though nothing has happened. In the process of forgiving, feelings of sadness, hurt, and anger will come and go. Instead of being squelched (“I shouldn’t be feeling this way”), they need to be accepted and heard. Then, over time, the overwhelm of these feelings will diminish.

One danger to watch out for in the marriages of sex addicts is for the spouse to feel pressured to move too quickly to forgiveness and reconciliation, without processing the feelings of betrayal and anger that naturally arise. We are taught as Christians the need for and the power of forgiveness. Sometimes it is assumed that forgiveness can (and should) be quickly extended, and that once the person decides to extend forgiveness, then the matter should be left in the past. But it doesn’t work that way.

2. Forgiveness is like grieving

In many ways the experience of a spouse in the aftermath of sexual betrayal is like the process of grieving. This makes sense, because the aftermath of sexual betrayal, and the process of restoration of a marriage involves a lot of grieving.

Grief takes time, especially when we’re grieving the loss of someone we dearly love. No one can rush the process. The only way to “quickly grieve” is by blocking the negative feelings that come up, and thereby not really grieving.

It’s important to recognize that grief comes in waves. Sometimes after a stretch of relief and relative internal peace, something will remind us once again of our loss, and the feelings of sadness will overwhelm us again. The same is true with the feelings of hurt and anger that we deal with in forgiveness. We will work through them, and reach a point of peace and release, only to find ourselves confronted days or weeks later with a new wave of the same feelings of hurt, anger, and loss.

3. Everybody forgives differently

Just as no two people grieve alike, so no two people forgive alike. The spouses of addicts need to be given the space and support to process their feelings in a healthy way. It is often striking how differently spouses respond to sexual sin. Some men I work with have amazingly “tolerant” spouses, and some have spouses at the other extreme who who are bitter and unable to let go of their suspicion and anger. There are certainly all kinds of reasons for this, but neither extreme is helpful to the struggler or the spouse. There is no common time-table for forgiveness.

4. Forgiveness and reconciliation are separate issues

Lewis Smedes, in his wonderful book Forgive and Forget, defines forgiveness as the decision to surrender one’s desire to retaliate against the one who wronged us. It involves letting go of our desire to harm the person who harmed us. To do this, we need compassion, time, and support.

But choosing to let go of our desire to hurt someone in retaliation does not mean we now trust them, or are willing to stay in the same relationship with them. There may be changes to our relationship. Nancy Hull-Mast writes this: “Often we’re afraid to forgive others who’ve hurt us because we believe that, in doing so, we are permitting what they’ve done. This is not true. When we forgive, we are saying, ‘I pardon you, I give up any claim for revenge, you are no longer an enemy.’”

To establish new boundaries does not mean we have not forgiven someone. We can forgive them, but not reconcile the relationship. We can forgive them, but redefine how we relate to them. In their defensiveness, a sexual struggler might protest, “But I thought you forgave me!” Remember that forgiveness and reconciliation are different things.

5. Spouses often need someone to help them in the process of forgiving

It’s vitally important for spouses to have safe places to process their hurt and pain in ways that are healthy. If the only person you can share this with is the spouse who wronged you, it might be overwhelming and discouraging for him/her. You might feel the need to hold back your true feelings out of compassion or fear that your spouse might leave.

What do you do about the feelings that are stuck inside you? Find a therapist or pastor you can trust, and if possible a group devoted to helping people process sexual betrayal. More and more of these groups are available today.

Two cautions are in order when it comes to seeking out help from others:

(a) If you go to a spouse support group (like S-Anon), be careful of the health of the group. Some of these groups can be populated and/or led by people who have not processed their own wounds in healthy ways. Rather than encourage you and offer you hope, they may infect you with their own cynicism and despair.

(b) Beware of the danger of leaning on friends to provide listening ears who don’t support your goal of a healthy relationship. Some people may have unprocessed pain of their own, and when you tell them about your experience, their un-dealt-with anger will cloud their judgment and ability to provide healthy perspective. We need friends who will support, not commiserate, with us.

So what do you think? How is forgiveness going in your life and relationship? I’d love to hear your thoughts and responses to this article in the comments.

By the way, we’re making our Recovery Journey program available at a much reeducated cost as an e-course. We have a module written just for the spouses/partners of sexual addicts. Learn more about the program by going to http://recoveryjourney.com

This article was originally written some months ago – as evidenced by the dates of the comments. I put it here on the front page though, because I wanted newcomers to the site to see it. Hope you found it helpful, as well as the discussion below:

Why do 12-Step programs work? What makes them effective?

Our inspiration comes from an article by Brendan Koerner that was featured in Wired magazine. Koerner cites a number of studies over the years trying to determine how effective AA is, and concludes with some suggestions for how to improve 12 Step groups. Their suggestions are interesting and instructive. Not surprisingly (given that it’s the techno-centric Wired magazine), two of the three recovery hacks involve better technology. I’ll list them, along with my added thoughts:

1. Better quality control.

The reality of 12 Step groups is that they are not professionally led. In the best situations, this can still work well, if and when groups are populated by a few “old timers” who have established significant recovery in their own lives (have sustained sobriety and are reasonably emotionally healthy). But this isn’t always the case. Sometimes 12 Step groups feel like the proverbial “lunatics running the asylum.”

The Wired article mentions the problem of cranky group leaders, often people with their own control and ego issues. Another way of saying this is: “Someone can have lots of sobriety and still be a jerk.” It’s best to look for people who have recovery (which involves doing the deep internal work of emotional and spiritual healing) and not just sobriety.

The article also mentions the phenomena of “13th Stepping,” which is when people in drug or alcohol programs use meetings to find sexual partners. For many people with drug or alcohol addictions, this behavior represents cross addiction at work: they’re just transferring their dependance from alcohol or drugs to sex.

2. Start encouraging medication that improves sobriety.

One of the exciting developments in addiction treatment is the new medications that are available to help people deal with detox, cravings, and mental disorders (such as depression and ADHD) that fuel many addictions. For readers who want to explore this topic, I encourage you to read “The Addiction Solution” by David Kipper. Written by a doctor, primarily for alcohol and drug addicts, the book makes a good case for the fact that we are entering a new era in the treatment of addiction, and that the right use of medications dramatically increase recovery rates of success.

3. Increase personalization of treatment based on neural imaging.

This relates the point 2 above. The more we know about what’s going on in the brain that gives rise to addictive cravings, the more we’re able to deal with that, and then the easier recovery is. Just one simple – and extremely common – example: let’s say someone is really depressed, and one of the ways they cope with depression is through their addiction. So to have that person go to a 12 step group, and get the relational support, and do the internal work of recovery will all help. But if you can add to that medication to deal with the depression, you will find that everything else in recovery gets so much easier, because the cravings will be so much less.

My mentor and friend Mark Laaser is a big proponent of using brain scans by Dr. Daniel Amen. If someone is not sure about taking medication to deal with neurochemical issues, having a brain scan will often be extremely helpful, because it allows you to see what’s going on. It makes psychological work much less subjective.

Many sexual strugglers find help in 12 Step Programs – such as Sex Addicts Anonymous and Sexaholics Anonymous – which adapt the Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) program to focus on sexual addiction. To be sure, 12 Step groups are not universally praised. Many people fault them for being “too religious” or “too Christian,” while at the same time many Christians reject them because they are “not Christian” enough. I have written other articles about the religion/Christianity issue, and today I want to focus instead on a different question:

Why do 12-Step programs work? What is it about the way these groups function that makes them effective? If we can figure out why AA and the 12 Steps work (what the “active ingredients” are) we might be able to improve them, reconfigure them in ways that work for other people.

Some months ago Wired magazine ran an article – written by Brendan Koerner – that addressed this topic. It’s very interesting reading, but be warned: if you are a 12 Step lover, the article will probably make you mad. Koerner cites a number of studies over the years trying to determine how effective AA is.

The bottom line: studies do show that AA is effective, but not universally so. It works for some people and not for others, and people disagree violently about why this is so. The statistics show a fairly consistent pattern: 12 Step programs on the whole work better than pretty much anything else. People who go to AA tend to find sobriety at higher rates than those who try other programs/approaches.

“There’s no doubt that when AA works, it can be transformative. But what aspect of the program deserves most of the credit? Is it the act of surrendering to a higher power? The making of amends to people a drinker has wronged? The simple admission that you have a problem? Stunningly, even the most highly regarded AA experts have no idea … The problem is so vexing, in fact, that addiction professionals have largely accepted that AA itself will always be an enigma.”

But research in other fields — especially behavior change and neurology — offers some insight into what exactly is happening in those church basements where 12 step groups meet. The article goes on to list several factors that contribute to AA’s success. I’ll list them here, along with some of my own thoughts:

1. The power of the group. Gathering together with people who share our struggle lifts spirits, creates bonds that provide support, and gives acceptance that undoes the damage of shame. Each of these factors is extremely important for recovery to work. Especially in early recovery – and especially with sex – overcoming shame is a key challenge. Shame fuels hopelessness and contributes to isolation. By getting people to open up with others, the power of secrecy is greatly diminished.

2. Service – particularly sponsorship – gives people new meaning and purpose. As Koerner says, numerous studies show that members who get involved in activities like sponsorship are more likely to stay sober than those who simply attend meetings. It’s hard to interpret the statistics on this one. People who are engaging in service are more likely to stay sober than those who aren’t … well could it be that it’s simply a matter of commitment? In other words, people who are fully engaging in the program are going to be doing service, because that’s part of the program.

3. The friend effect. A 2007 study of a Boston-area community found that person’s odds of being obese increase 71% if they have a same-sex friend who is obese. A paper published in the Annals of Internal Medicine concluded that a person is 50% more likely be to a heavy drinker if a friend or relative is also a heavy drinker. Wealth speakers have reported that you can determine a person’s income by determining the average income of their 5 closest friends. By associating with people who are in recovery, our own recovery stays strong.

4. Personal reflection and confession in the steps – especially in steps one, four, and five – help establish new levels of self-awareness and overcome shame. This process may also rewire the brain. Specifically, scientists believe that it may reinvigorate the pre-fontal cortex, which gets damaged in addiction. As dependence on an addictive substance or behavior grows, the regulation of the prefrontal cortex gets lax. Koerner puts it this way:

“The loss of synaptic plasticity is thought to be a major reason why more than 90 percent of recovering alcoholics relapse at some point. The newly sober are constantly bombarded with sensory cues that their brain associates with their pleasurable habit. Because the synapses in their prefrontal cortex are still damaged, they have a tough time resisting the urges created by these triggers. Any small reminder of their former life—the scent of stale beer, the clink of toasting glasses—is enough to knock them off the wagon.”

“AA, it seems, helps neutralize the power of these sensory cues by whipping the prefrontal cortex back into shape. Publicly revealing one’s deepest flaws and hearing others do likewise forces a person to confront the terrible consequences of their alcoholism—something that is very difficult to do all alone. This, in turn, prods the impaired prefrontal cortex into resuming its regulatory mission.”

5. The process of making amends can help alleviate feelings of guilt and may limit the stresses that trigger relapse. The article doesn’t address this topic in much detail, but it’s a good point, and worth reflecting on. As stated in point 1 above, whatever we can do to alleviate shame, the higher the chances are of sustained recovery. Confessing and making amends can make a profound difference in peoples’ sense of self, freeing them up to envision a new life for themselves.

So there you have the list that Koerner cites in the article. I feel the list is incomplete, so I’m adding the “Conspicuously Absent from Koerner’s Article Critical Success Factor”:

6. Renewed faith (or renewed spiritual connection). From my perspective, the spiritual aspect of the 12 Step program is given very little attention in this article. This is unfortunate, and for anyone involved in a 12 Step program, it is likely a surprising oversight. Many people cite the spiritual part of the 12 Step program as the cornerstone of its recovery message.

Part of the problem with trying to talk about matters of faith in an article like this is that spiritual things are really hard to measure, and the whole topic of how faith can help people recover doesn’t fit very well with the data-nerd ethos of a magazine like Wired. The author also points out that, while the spiritual aspect is cited by some as a reason for the success of the program, it also pushes other people away.

Even so, I wanted to add it here to this list, because it seems like an essential part of the recovery process for the people I have observed and worked with.

Coming Soon: In part 2 of this article, I’ll address the issue that flows out of this list of “critical success factors.” If these are the things that make 12 Steps Work, what can we do to make them work better? How can we improve 12 Step groups? Stay tuned.

(Click here to read part 2)

Meanwhile, I’d love to hear  your thoughts about the success factors I mention here in this post. Thanks!

We all like having options. When we commit ourselves, we limit our choices.

Of course, none of this is easy. To be more precise, following through on any of these things is not easy. Desire is easy, following through is hard.

In the immediate aftermath of some bad experience, where we are confronted with the magnitude of our problem, it’s easy to feel a strong desire to change. We might feel deep remorse for what we’ve done, and resolve to live differently. If we’re in a relationship that has been hurt by our behavior, we likely feel a strong commitment to repair the damage that was the result of our sexual acting out.

Pastors, therapists, and addiction counselors are accustomed to hearing people earnestly express their desire to change. 12-Steppers call this “Step Zero” … it’s what happens to people before they even get to Step 1 in the 12 Steps. It’s the overwhelming sense that “things aren’t working,” often accompanied by strong feelings of remorse, guilt, and shame. But everyone needs a reality check at this point: Resolve and remorse are only Step Zero.

The all-important moment of recovery comes when we commit. When we commit to make the changes we need to make to live differently. Most everybody who sins sexually gets to Step Zero. At some point everybody faces the fallout of their actions, even if it’s only an internal sense of being disappointed with oneself. Many people get there quite often. But we start recovery when we realize that we need outside help – God’s help administered through a program of recovery – and start to pursue it. Fewer people get there.

I came across an email that pastor Rick Warren sent out to people in his church. What he has to say about change – and the reasons we find it hard – are great reminders we can apply to recovery. Listen to what he has to say:

“Change requires making choices. It’s not enough to dream of changing. It’s not enough to desire change. In order for you to change, you will need to make a decision. You must choose to change.

Change is intentional: Are you going to be any different in six months? Are you going to be better a year from now? Are you going to be healthier, stronger, and more mature? Are you going to be happier? Are you going to be less in debt? Are you going to be more like God wants you to be?

I can tell you the answer right now: It will only happen if you choose to change, because it isn’t going to happen accidentally. … It requires a choice.

A lot of times we think we’re waiting on God to change us. No, you are not waiting on God. God is waiting on you. He’s waiting on you to say, “Yes, Lord, I’m willing to make these changes.” (Rick Warren, DAILY HOPE, Jul 22, 2011)

Well said! Are there some things you need to change about yourself, about your life, about your marriage? What are you waiting for?

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous emphasizes that we cannot find serenity until we accept things and people as they are. This is hard for many of us, for many reasons.

As Christians, we often struggle to accept people who disagree with us, or who have different standards of behavior. We worry that if we accept someone just as they are, then we are endorsing their moral and spiritual choices. If we want to help them grow or change, we feel we need to withhold acceptance. But that’s not true. In fact, it’s just the opposite. When we withhold acceptance – from others or from ourselves – we create conflict and lose the opportunity to stimulate positive change.

Carl Jung said, “We cannot change anything unless we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.”

We can accept someone without approving or agreeing with what they do. The reality is that we can’t change them – or control their behavior – anyway. All we can control is our own responses to them.

Our lack of acceptance creates stress and tension in relationships. It also cuts us off from many blessings.

I had a friend from one of the SA programs who was needing more support. I recommended a certain group to him. When he attended the group, he was dismayed because some of the members had a different approach to sobriety than he did. Rather than adopt a “live and let live” approach, and seek to learn from this other program and find the help he needed, he chose to go into a critical, judgmental mode, and refused to participate in the group any longer. He couldn’t get over his disagreement with how they approached recovery – and so lost the opportunity to get support and help he really needed.

Serenity comes when we concentrate on the attitudes we need to change instead of how the world around us needs to change. When we focus on another person’s negative qualities, those qualities grow larger. So why not focus instead on the good qualities?

Our serenity will grow as we develop reasonable, appropriate expectations of others. Remember that everyone is a work in progress. No one is perfect.  Can we accept them – and ourselves – even in the midst of that imperfection?

* This is a post that I wrote a couple years ago, but I changed the date recently to get it back on the front page. Hope you like — and comment!

FREE Teleseminar – Thursday, July 21

Helping couples build emotional and spiritual intimacy is a big part of what we do in our recovery work. Recently, Charlene has been working to finish her Master’s in Counseling and Psychotherapy (only her master’s thesis is left!). Part of this has involved working with many couples in her internship practice.

Her experience confirms what we both sensed while we were working in the church world: MANY couples struggle to build intimacy. It’s not just marriages that are messed up with sex addiction … it’s almost everybody.

My wife Charlene and I will be conducting a teleseminar this Thursday, which we do every month for people in the Recovery Journey Program, and we’re opening it up to all the readers of this blog. We’re going to be talking about the challenge of building marital intimacy, and what we have learned about how to do it. We will be talking about the FANOS conversation model (created by Mark and Deb Laaser), and what we have learned after working with it in our own marriage for almost seven years, and sharing it with hundreds of people.

In today’s culture, we tend to think about “intimacy” in terms of our physical / sexual relationship. In this teleseminar, we want to focus on how emotional and spiritual intimacy can build our sexual relationship. For many reasons, this is important and challenging for couples who are dealing with the aftermath of sexual brokenness. Infidelity, pornography use, and other sexual struggles disrupt a couples’ sexual relationship, and (obviously) disrupt intimacy on many levels. We also find that the process of recovery often reveals an ongoing lack of emotional connection that was a chronic issue even before the sexual behaviors were revealed. How can couples rectify this? That’s what we’ll be talking about.

When: Thursday, July 21

Time: 7:00pm central time

To register, fill out the form below: