Why do 12-Step programs work? What makes them effective?

Our inspiration comes from an article by Brendan Koerner that was featured in Wired magazine. Koerner cites a number of studies over the years trying to determine how effective AA is, and concludes with some suggestions for how to improve 12 Step groups. Their suggestions are interesting and instructive. Not surprisingly (given that it’s the techno-centric Wired magazine), two of the three recovery hacks involve better technology. I’ll list them, along with my added thoughts:

1. Better quality control.

The reality of 12 Step groups is that they are not professionally led. In the best situations, this can still work well, if and when groups are populated by a few “old timers” who have established significant recovery in their own lives (have sustained sobriety and are reasonably emotionally healthy). But this isn’t always the case. Sometimes 12 Step groups feel like the proverbial “lunatics running the asylum.”

The Wired article mentions the problem of cranky group leaders, often people with their own control and ego issues. Another way of saying this is: “Someone can have lots of sobriety and still be a jerk.” It’s best to look for people who have recovery (which involves doing the deep internal work of emotional and spiritual healing) and not just sobriety.

The article also mentions the phenomena of “13th Stepping,” which is when people in drug or alcohol programs use meetings to find sexual partners. For many people with drug or alcohol addictions, this behavior represents cross addiction at work: they’re just transferring their dependance from alcohol or drugs to sex.

2. Start encouraging medication that improves sobriety.

One of the exciting developments in addiction treatment is the new medications that are available to help people deal with detox, cravings, and mental disorders (such as depression and ADHD) that fuel many addictions. For readers who want to explore this topic, I encourage you to read “The Addiction Solution” by David Kipper. Written by a doctor, primarily for alcohol and drug addicts, the book makes a good case for the fact that we are entering a new era in the treatment of addiction, and that the right use of medications dramatically increase recovery rates of success.

3. Increase personalization of treatment based on neural imaging.

This relates the point 2 above. The more we know about what’s going on in the brain that gives rise to addictive cravings, the more we’re able to deal with that, and then the easier recovery is. Just one simple – and extremely common – example: let’s say someone is really depressed, and one of the ways they cope with depression is through their addiction. So to have that person go to a 12 step group, and get the relational support, and do the internal work of recovery will all help. But if you can add to that medication to deal with the depression, you will find that everything else in recovery gets so much easier, because the cravings will be so much less.

My mentor and friend Mark Laaser is a big proponent of using brain scans by Dr. Daniel Amen. If someone is not sure about taking medication to deal with neurochemical issues, having a brain scan will often be extremely helpful, because it allows you to see what’s going on. It makes psychological work much less subjective.

Many sexual strugglers find help in 12 Step Programs – such as Sex Addicts Anonymous and Sexaholics Anonymous – which adapt the Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) program to focus on sexual addiction. To be sure, 12 Step groups are not universally praised. Many people fault them for being “too religious” or “too Christian,” while at the same time many Christians reject them because they are “not Christian” enough. I have written other articles about the religion/Christianity issue, and today I want to focus instead on a different question:

Why do 12-Step programs work? What is it about the way these groups function that makes them effective? If we can figure out why AA and the 12 Steps work (what the “active ingredients” are) we might be able to improve them, reconfigure them in ways that work for other people.

Some months ago Wired magazine ran an article – written by Brendan Koerner – that addressed this topic. It’s very interesting reading, but be warned: if you are a 12 Step lover, the article will probably make you mad. Koerner cites a number of studies over the years trying to determine how effective AA is.

The bottom line: studies do show that AA is effective, but not universally so. It works for some people and not for others, and people disagree violently about why this is so. The statistics show a fairly consistent pattern: 12 Step programs on the whole work better than pretty much anything else. People who go to AA tend to find sobriety at higher rates than those who try other programs/approaches.

“There’s no doubt that when AA works, it can be transformative. But what aspect of the program deserves most of the credit? Is it the act of surrendering to a higher power? The making of amends to people a drinker has wronged? The simple admission that you have a problem? Stunningly, even the most highly regarded AA experts have no idea … The problem is so vexing, in fact, that addiction professionals have largely accepted that AA itself will always be an enigma.”

But research in other fields — especially behavior change and neurology — offers some insight into what exactly is happening in those church basements where 12 step groups meet. The article goes on to list several factors that contribute to AA’s success. I’ll list them here, along with some of my own thoughts:

1. The power of the group. Gathering together with people who share our struggle lifts spirits, creates bonds that provide support, and gives acceptance that undoes the damage of shame. Each of these factors is extremely important for recovery to work. Especially in early recovery – and especially with sex – overcoming shame is a key challenge. Shame fuels hopelessness and contributes to isolation. By getting people to open up with others, the power of secrecy is greatly diminished.

2. Service – particularly sponsorship – gives people new meaning and purpose. As Koerner says, numerous studies show that members who get involved in activities like sponsorship are more likely to stay sober than those who simply attend meetings. It’s hard to interpret the statistics on this one. People who are engaging in service are more likely to stay sober than those who aren’t … well could it be that it’s simply a matter of commitment? In other words, people who are fully engaging in the program are going to be doing service, because that’s part of the program.

3. The friend effect. A 2007 study of a Boston-area community found that person’s odds of being obese increase 71% if they have a same-sex friend who is obese. A paper published in the Annals of Internal Medicine concluded that a person is 50% more likely be to a heavy drinker if a friend or relative is also a heavy drinker. Wealth speakers have reported that you can determine a person’s income by determining the average income of their 5 closest friends. By associating with people who are in recovery, our own recovery stays strong.

4. Personal reflection and confession in the steps – especially in steps one, four, and five – help establish new levels of self-awareness and overcome shame. This process may also rewire the brain. Specifically, scientists believe that it may reinvigorate the pre-fontal cortex, which gets damaged in addiction. As dependence on an addictive substance or behavior grows, the regulation of the prefrontal cortex gets lax. Koerner puts it this way:

“The loss of synaptic plasticity is thought to be a major reason why more than 90 percent of recovering alcoholics relapse at some point. The newly sober are constantly bombarded with sensory cues that their brain associates with their pleasurable habit. Because the synapses in their prefrontal cortex are still damaged, they have a tough time resisting the urges created by these triggers. Any small reminder of their former life—the scent of stale beer, the clink of toasting glasses—is enough to knock them off the wagon.”

“AA, it seems, helps neutralize the power of these sensory cues by whipping the prefrontal cortex back into shape. Publicly revealing one’s deepest flaws and hearing others do likewise forces a person to confront the terrible consequences of their alcoholism—something that is very difficult to do all alone. This, in turn, prods the impaired prefrontal cortex into resuming its regulatory mission.”

5. The process of making amends can help alleviate feelings of guilt and may limit the stresses that trigger relapse. The article doesn’t address this topic in much detail, but it’s a good point, and worth reflecting on. As stated in point 1 above, whatever we can do to alleviate shame, the higher the chances are of sustained recovery. Confessing and making amends can make a profound difference in peoples’ sense of self, freeing them up to envision a new life for themselves.

So there you have the list that Koerner cites in the article. I feel the list is incomplete, so I’m adding the “Conspicuously Absent from Koerner’s Article Critical Success Factor”:

6. Renewed faith (or renewed spiritual connection). From my perspective, the spiritual aspect of the 12 Step program is given very little attention in this article. This is unfortunate, and for anyone involved in a 12 Step program, it is likely a surprising oversight. Many people cite the spiritual part of the 12 Step program as the cornerstone of its recovery message.

Part of the problem with trying to talk about matters of faith in an article like this is that spiritual things are really hard to measure, and the whole topic of how faith can help people recover doesn’t fit very well with the data-nerd ethos of a magazine like Wired. The author also points out that, while the spiritual aspect is cited by some as a reason for the success of the program, it also pushes other people away.

Even so, I wanted to add it here to this list, because it seems like an essential part of the recovery process for the people I have observed and worked with.

Coming Soon: In part 2 of this article, I’ll address the issue that flows out of this list of “critical success factors.” If these are the things that make 12 Steps Work, what can we do to make them work better? How can we improve 12 Step groups? Stay tuned.

Meanwhile, I’d love to hear  your thoughts about the success factors I mention here in this post. Thanks!

We all like having options. When we commit ourselves, we limit our choices.

Of course, none of this is easy. To be more precise, following through on any of these things is not easy. Desire is easy, following through is hard.

In the immediate aftermath of some bad experience, where we are confronted with the magnitude of our problem, it’s easy to feel a strong desire to change. We might feel deep remorse for what we’ve done, and resolve to live differently. If we’re in a relationship that has been hurt by our behavior, we likely feel a strong commitment to repair the damage that was the result of our sexual acting out.

Pastors, therapists, and addiction counselors are accustomed to hearing people earnestly express their desire to change. 12-Steppers call this “Step Zero” … it’s what happens to people before they even get to Step 1 in the 12 Steps. It’s the overwhelming sense that “things aren’t working,” often accompanied by strong feelings of remorse, guilt, and shame. But everyone needs a reality check at this point: Resolve and remorse are only Step Zero.

The all-important moment of recovery comes when we commit. When we commit to make the changes we need to make to live differently. Most everybody who sins sexually gets to Step Zero. At some point everybody faces the fallout of their actions, even if it’s only an internal sense of being disappointed with oneself. Many people get there quite often. But we start recovery when we realize that we need outside help – God’s help administered through a program of recovery – and start to pursue it. Fewer people get there.

I came across an email that pastor Rick Warren sent out to people in his church. What he has to say about change – and the reasons we find it hard – are great reminders we can apply to recovery. Listen to what he has to say:

“Change requires making choices. It’s not enough to dream of changing. It’s not enough to desire change. In order for you to change, you will need to make a decision. You must choose to change.

Change is intentional: Are you going to be any different in six months? Are you going to be better a year from now? Are you going to be healthier, stronger, and more mature? Are you going to be happier? Are you going to be less in debt? Are you going to be more like God wants you to be?

I can tell you the answer right now: It will only happen if you choose to change, because it isn’t going to happen accidentally. … It requires a choice.

A lot of times we think we’re waiting on God to change us. No, you are not waiting on God. God is waiting on you. He’s waiting on you to say, “Yes, Lord, I’m willing to make these changes.” (Rick Warren, DAILY HOPE, Jul 22, 2011)

Well said! Are there some things you need to change about yourself, about your life, about your marriage? What are you waiting for?

FREE Teleseminar – Thursday, July 21

Helping couples build emotional and spiritual intimacy is a big part of what we do in our recovery work. Recently, Charlene has been working to finish her Master’s in Counseling and Psychotherapy (only her master’s thesis is left!). Part of this has involved working with many couples in her internship practice.

Her experience confirms what we both sensed while we were working in the church world: MANY couples struggle to build intimacy. It’s not just marriages that are messed up with sex addiction … it’s almost everybody.

My wife Charlene and I will be conducting a teleseminar this Thursday, which we do every month for people in the Recovery Journey Program, and we’re opening it up to all the readers of this blog. We’re going to be talking about the challenge of building marital intimacy, and what we have learned about how to do it. We will be talking about the FANOS conversation model (created by Mark and Deb Laaser), and what we have learned after working with it in our own marriage for almost seven years, and sharing it with hundreds of people.

In today’s culture, we tend to think about “intimacy” in terms of our physical / sexual relationship. In this teleseminar, we want to focus on how emotional and spiritual intimacy can build our sexual relationship. For many reasons, this is important and challenging for couples who are dealing with the aftermath of sexual brokenness. Infidelity, pornography use, and other sexual struggles disrupt a couples’ sexual relationship, and (obviously) disrupt intimacy on many levels. We also find that the process of recovery often reveals an ongoing lack of emotional connection that was a chronic issue even before the sexual behaviors were revealed. How can couples rectify this? That’s what we’ll be talking about.

When: Thursday, July 21

Time: 7:00pm central time

To register, fill out the form below:

Anger is the gatekeeper of our emotions. If it is used wisely, it will allow us to interact with the world in safe and healthy ways. We will know when our emotional gates should remain open, and when to keep them closed.

Imagine a gatekeeper in a medieval castle. He knows that his job is to protect, and keep dangerous forces out. He also knows that if he is overprotective, those inside the gate will die from starvation, or suffer from a lack of exposure to the outside world.

In the same way, anger protects us by covering our most vulnerable emotions. When we feel emotions like fear, disappointment, pain, grief, loss, rejection, jealousy, etc., anger forms a protective layer to keep others from further exploiting us. This is a great tool in our emotional arsenal. Unfortunately though, just like the over-zealous gatekeeper can do damage by keeping the gate closed, anger can be destructive by fostering isolation.

When our anger is used appropriately, others will know that we have been negatively affected by their actions. And in the aftermath of expressing our anger, we can take steps to meet our own needs to ease our pain, disappointment, embarrassment, etc., without feeling like powerless victims.

The struggle for many of us in dealing with anger has its roots in our past. We may have unprocessed trauma from our early years that created a layer of anger that we shut down. This repressed anger comes out in all sorts of strange and unhelpful ways. Holding on to the pain of the past can cause more damage to us than the individual or individuals who hurt us.

The terrible pain many of us grew up with would have easily destroyed us if we had not found avenues to cope. We needed a way to avoid pain and simultaneously experience comfort or pleasure. Sex – and possibly other things like food, alcohol, or drugs – became our answer. We knew we could count on them to calm the beast of anger on the inside.

Soon, we forgot why we were angry at all. All we knew was we could “fix” the frustration, loneliness, boredom and disappointment with some act of indulgence. One act of indulgence became two and two became three until we found ourselves caught in a cycle of pleasure and pain.

How deceived we have become. We cover pain with our anger and we cover anger with addiction. All the while the pain festers beneath. It fuels the fire. In brief moments of clarity we see what we are doing to ourselves. It is at this time we have the courage to say, “I give up” — not on life, but on the charade we played so long. We find the courage to face ourselves and the unsightliness inside us.

The rush of rage can produce a similar high to a common street drug. With anger and rage we manufacture the drug in our heads. Our minds and bodies may be conditioned to “overheat” any time we feel fearful, threatened or insecure. The cravings for anger will not subside quickly. We may need to enlist a variety of coping mechanisms to get us through the tough times.

We should look for someone to talk to. If we look hard enough there may be people already in our lives we can trust. If not, we can find someone who has a listening ear. Pastors, priests, therapists and recovery group members dedicate themselves to listening and helping others in crisis.

(Adapted from some articles on the soberrecovery.com website)

Recovery will mean facing the suffering in our lives.

The sexual struggler who does not face their suffering and process their pain may stay stuck in the “never never land” of recovery: chronic relapsing. Addicts don’t make progress in recovery until they can begin to build days and weeks of solid sobriety. Until the alcoholic or junkie is able to experience life without his or her drug in their system, they can’t begin to face the issues in their life that need to be processed.

The same is true with people struggling with compulsive sexual behavior. Sexual strugglers “act out” as a way of coping with or shielding themselves from painful or stressful aspects of life. They may act out because they are bored, resentful, anxious, lonely, etc.

This is important because it means that unless and until the sexual struggler is able to start experiencing life without their “drug” (or coping mechanism), they’re not going to make much progress in understanding or changing what’s really going on. Instead, they may continue “living in the fog of lust,” as described by Sexaholics Anonymous.

Spouses of sexual strugglers must also face their own personal suffering in order for healing to occur. We do not dwell on past pain. Rather, we prayerfully consider how our wounds of the past are impacting us today. We seek counseling with a trusted professional to address our concerns in a way that leads us on the path to healing, peace and joy.

Gangaji describes it this way:

“We have tried everything to get rid of suffering. We have gone everywhere to get rid of suffering. We have bought everything to get rid of it.  We have ingested everything to get rid of it.

“Finally, when one has tried enough, there arises the possibility of spiritual maturity with the willingness to stop the futile attempts to get rid of, and, instead, to actually experience suffering. In that momentous instant, there is the realization of that which is beyond suffering, of that which is untouched by suffering. There is the realization of who one truly is.”

Someone has said that “Sometimes the only way out is through.” We can’t get around suffering. We can either deny it and try to cope (usually with some unhealthy addiction), or face it and work through it and become whole. I agree with Gangaji that the possibility of spiritual maturity comes with the willingness to face and work through the ups and downs of life, including our suffering.

Or, as Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”

Recovery is about moving toward health:

Ours is a program of recovery, not simply a program of abstinence. A person can abstain from addictive sexual behaviors, yet still be tremendously unhappy, anxious, and isolated. Recovering alcoholics warn of the dangers of being a “dry drunk” or “white-knuckling it.” Both phrases speak of the same reality … someone finds ways of stopping their alcohol use while not dealing with the underlying emotional issues that led to the addiction in the first place. As the saying goes, “If you just take the alcohol out of the alcoholic, you’re still left with the ‘ic’” (Or “ick,” if you need the hint about what we’re getting at here).

Finding abstinence without moving towards emotional and spiritual health gives rise to cross addiction. We trade our sex addiction for work or food addiction, or gambling, or some chemical. Recovery is the restoration of health, not simply the cessation of certain problematic behaviors.

This is why we often say that our addiction and recovery are about much more than just sex. Our sexual struggles are the tip of the iceberg. The real issues are the things underneath the water line … our coping strategies, feelings, core beliefs, and misplaced expectations.

At an AA meeting years ago, I heard a guy talk about how he hadn’t been working the steps or going to many meetings, but he’d been able to stay sober. He made this statement sort of as a challenge, wondering if “all this AA stuff” was really necessary for him. The leader of the meeting broke protocol and did “cross talk” (spoke directly to him and responded to his comments publicly in the meeting). He asked the $100,000 question: “Okay so you haven’t had a drink … but are you happy, joyous, and free?”

Those words (happy, joyous, and free), are the life experiences granted to people who are living in recovery. They are the byproducts of health. I don’t know about you, but that’s what I want. I want not only the cessation of certain sexual behaviors, I want to be happy, joyous, and free!

Maybe today is a good time to evaluate how happy and healthy you are, instead of just thinking about how abstinent you have been.

In the past year, my wife has started counseling wives of sexual strugglers, and we are now counseling couples together who are dealing with sex addiction and betrayal. After working exclusively with men who are struggling, it’s been interesting to get more of the spouse’s perspective on recovery. Here are some observations about forgiveness and restoration, for the spouses of sexual strugglers.

1. Forgiveness can’t be rushed

I have come to believe that it is foolish and destructive to try rush the process of forgiveness. Forgiveness is not a simple, one-time event. It is a process that takes time. Many spouses of sex addicts face an added burden because they feel they should forgive their spouse, but don’t feel ready to do so. Or if they do extend forgiveness, they continue to have feelings of hurt and anger, and don’t know how to express them.

Both addicts and spouses need to understand that the decision to forgive is different from the process of forgiving. We can’t simply decide to forgive and then move on as though nothing has happened. In the process of forgiving, feelings of sadness, hurt, and anger will come and go. Instead of being squelched (“I shouldn’t be feeling this way”), they need to be accepted and heard. Then, over time, the overwhelm of these feelings will diminish.

One danger to watch out for in the marriages of sex addicts is for the spouse to feel pressured to move too quickly to forgiveness and reconciliation, without processing the feelings of betrayal and anger that naturally arise. We are taught as Christians the need for and the power of forgiveness. Sometimes it is assumed that forgiveness can (and should) be quickly extended, and that once the person decides to extend forgiveness, then the matter should be left in the past. But it doesn’t work that way.

2. Forgiveness is like grieving

In many ways the experience of a spouse in the aftermath of sexual betrayal is like the process of grieving. This makes sense, because the aftermath of sexual betrayal, and the process of restoration of a marriage involves a lot of grieving.

Grief takes time, especially when we’re grieving the loss of someone we dearly love. No one can rush the process. The only way to “quickly grieve” is by blocking the negative feelings that come up, and thereby not really grieving.

It’s important to recognize that grief comes in waves. Sometimes after a stretch of relief and relative internal peace, something will remind us once again of our loss, and the feelings of sadness will overwhelm us again. The same is true with the feelings of hurt and anger that we deal with in forgiveness. We will work through them, and reach a point of peace and release, only to find ourselves confronted days or weeks later with a new wave of the same feelings of hurt, anger, and loss.

3. Everybody forgives differently

Just as no two people grieve alike, so no two people forgive alike. The spouses of addicts need to be given the space and support to process their feelings in a healthy way. It is often striking how differently spouses respond to sexual sin. Some men I work with have amazingly “tolerant” spouses, and some have spouses at the other extreme who who are bitter and unable to let go of their suspicion and anger. There are certainly all kinds of reasons for this, but neither extreme is helpful to the struggler or the spouse. There is no common time-table for forgiveness.

4. Forgiveness and reconciliation are separate issues

Lewis Smedes, in his wonderful book Forgive and Forget, defines forgiveness as the decision to surrender one’s desire to retaliate against the one who wronged us. It involves letting go of our desire to harm the person who harmed us. To do this, we need compassion, time, and support.

But choosing to let go of our desire to hurt someone in retaliation does not mean we now trust them, or are willing to stay in the same relationship with them. There may be changes to our relationship. Nancy Hull-Mast writes this: “Often we’re afraid to forgive others who’ve hurt us because we believe that, in doing so, we are permitting what they’ve done. This is not true. When we forgive, we are saying, ‘I pardon you, I give up any claim for revenge, you are no longer an enemy.’”

To establish new boundaries does not mean we have not forgiven someone. We can forgive them, but not reconcile the relationship. We can forgive them, but redefine how we relate to them. In their defensiveness, a sexual struggler might protest, “But I thought you forgave me!” Remember that forgiveness and reconciliation are different things.

5. Spouses often need someone to help them in the process of forgiving

It’s vitally important for spouses to have safe places to process their hurt and pain in ways that are healthy. If the only person you can share this with is the spouse who wronged you, it might be overwhelming and discouraging for him/her. You might feel the need to hold back your true feelings out of compassion or fear that your spouse might leave.

What do you do about the feelings that are stuck inside you? Find a therapist or pastor you can trust, and if possible a group devoted to helping people process sexual betrayal. More and more of these groups are available today.

Two cautions are in order when it comes to seeking out help from others:

(a) If you go to a spouse support group (like S-Anon), be careful of the health of the group. Some of these groups can be populated and/or led by people who have not processed their own wounds in healthy ways. Rather than encourage you and offer you hope, they may infect you with their own cynicism and despair.

(b) Beware of the danger of leaning on friends to provide listening ears who don’t support your goal of a healthy relationship. Some people may have unprocessed pain of their own, and when you tell them about your experience, their un-dealt-with anger will cloud their judgment and ability to provide healthy perspective. We need friends who will support, not commiserate, with us.

So what do you think? How is forgiveness going in your life and relationship? I’d love to hear your thoughts and responses to this article in the comments.

“What you see depends on what window you look out of.”

People tend to see controversial issues differently, because they view the same issues from different perspectives. They see different sides of the same argument, because they are looking at it from different angles. It’s like they are wearing different glasses, or as Schaller puts it, it’s like they’re looking out different windows. It’s a question of focus and perspective.

So is recovery from sexual struggles. Think of it this way: When you go out to a shopping mall, what do you notice? When you’re out in public, what do you pay attention to? Noticing what we notice can not only help us diagnose how our recovery is going … it can also carry us further along in recovery.

In the men’s workshops I teach with my friend Mark Laaser, he often gives a lecture about vision, and makes a similar point: when we make a new commitment to recovery, we will start to see differently. We’ll start to notice things we didn’t notice before. It’s like we get a new pair of glasses.

Think of the classic example of a person who’s planning to buy a car: Let’s say this person decides she wants to buy a Toyota Camry. Now everywhere she looks, she starts noticing Camrys. Where did they come from? They were always there, she just didn’t notice them before. Now she does.

The science of attention

In her excellent book Rapt, Winnefred Gallagher writes: “Rapidly developing neuroscience shows that as the terms ‘in focus’ and ‘out of focus’ suggest, attention shapes your experience by selecting and clearly depicting something in your external or internal world, leaving the rest a blur.”

Our senses are able to pick up an incredible amount of stimuli at any given moment, but the conscious part of our brain is only able to process a small amount of that stimuli. The way we deal with that discrepancy is that we learn selective focus, tuning out much of what we experience, and only consciously processing the things we find interesting or important. That is the role of attention … what we choose to focus on, and what we ignore.

This is why three people can encounter the same situation, and remember things quite differently. They were focused on – and thus perceiving and tuning out – different things.

In our addiction, our minds were tuned in to sexual arousal, and we picked up signals from women or men, and potential sexually suggestive sights that other people wouldn’t notice. If an attractive woman walked across the street a block away, we were aware of it. We were looking at life through the window of potential sexual arousal.

But now in recovery, we are learning to tune into and appreciate beauty all around us that is not sexually suggestive. In the past we might not have noticed how funny the neighbor kid across the street really is, or how happy the old couple is who sit next us in church, or how wonderful the grass and the air smells after a rain, or the amazing color of a sunset. In the fog of our addiction, we blew right past so many beautiful things like this.

For all these years I thought of myself as a connoisseur of beauty, when I was only focusing on the beauty of women’s bodies. Now I’m learning how much more there is to life and the world, and how much richness I have been missing. Hopefully as you have been establishing a stronger recovery over the past months, you are starting to notice new aspects of beauty all around you. Try being more aware today.

Your challenge — look for beauty in unexpected places

I have a challenge for you. For the next several days, look for beauty in unexpected places. Spend the next couple days with this task in mind: look for beauty in various places around you. It could be in the character of people, in places, (non-erotic) art, and especially nature. Try going through your day with “beauty lenses” on … and see what happens.

What do you think about this issue of focus? Have you found your focus changing? Do you wish it was changing more? Tell us what you think in the comments.

Jeff recently interviewed me about my experiences and observations about how sexual struggles get handled in churches, especially when church leaders are involved. The interview is featured in three separate podcasts. You can listen or download them below:

Interview Part One

Interview Part Two

Interview Part Three

Would love to hear your comments about this. We are considering adding a podcast to our offerings. What do you think? Would you use this resource?