Category Archives: Addiction

“Unmanageability” and Sex Addiction

Out of control fireAlexandra Katehakis has a great article on her site about unmanagebility that got me thinking. Part of the reason many sex addicts struggle to get and stay sober is that sex addiction can be hidden in ways that other addictions cannot. It’s true that “we reap what we sow,” but still. People can go for years dysfunctionally dependent on various types of sexual activity to help them cope with life … and keep this hidden from people around them.

But eventually life starts to unravel. And inexorably, the soul of the addict starts to shrivel up. When we live in unreality, consistently behaving in ways that run counter to our values, and keep significant parts of our lives hidden from people we love, part of us dies … no matter how good we are at lying.

Here’s a few lines from Alexandra’s article:

There are a lot of “functioning” addicts out there, whatever that means! People who are highly compartmentalized can “function” in life. That means, they can fool their partners, their bosses, and even themselves, for awhile. Eventually though, the addiction always catches up with them.

In the tradition of the 12-steps “unmanagability” really means “messes.”

What about relying on God’s power to help you heal from addiction?

addiction and lightMany of the talks I give are in settings with evangelical Christians, and there is sometimes an unwritten expectation that the solutions offered in these settings should fit a specific schema. If the steps suggested for healing and recovery don’t sound “spiritual” enough, people get nervous. I recently gave a talk, and got the question “What about the power of God? Where is the power of Christ to bring healing in all this?”

I had emphasized the need for people to get into recovery groups with other guys, to get honest, and establish boundaries around sexual behavior (among other things). But to people used to hearing messages where the solution to every problem boils down to more prayer / Bible study / evangelism, this probably sounded a little spiritually weak.

I have great respect for people who are devout, and who seek growth and healing in life from habits that arise out of their faith. But too many Christians make the mistake of seeing God’s work only in the mysterious and subjective. In an email response to the organizers of the event, here is what I said about this issue:

Continue reading What about relying on God’s power to help you heal from addiction?

HOLDING HOPE: a telephone seminar for partners, parents, and friends of people struggling with compulsive sexual behavior

Holding HopeThis February I am offering a four-part telephone seminar for spouses, friends, and parents of people struggling with compulsive sexual behaviors. I keep hearing that more help is needed, not just for sex addicts, but also for the people who love them — the wives, children, parents, and friends in addicts’ lives who are hurt, angry, anxious, and struggling to know how to help. Sexual compulsivity undermines marriages and families like no other addiction, and tragically, most spouses and family members suffer alone. Sex addiction carries its own unique and powerful shame, and many people don’t know where to turn for help and support.

Some specifics about the teleseminar:

Dates: Wednesdays in February (the 6th, 13th, 20th, and 27th)

Continue reading HOLDING HOPE: a telephone seminar for partners, parents, and friends of people struggling with compulsive sexual behavior

Sexual Misconduct in Our Schools — And What to Do

Teachers in trouble

The postcard above is one recieved by Frank Thomas for his Postsecret project (he asked people to send him a secret from their lives on a 3×5 postcard). He hasn’t used it on the Postsecret site yet – maybe it’s too controversial. Nobody likes to talk about sex abuse in schools, which is what this is. We better start not only talking about it, but doing something, because it’s a growing problem.

The AP recently ran a story that emerged from a seven-month study they conducted. After researching K-12 schools in every state in the US, they found 2,570 cases of sexual misconduct in the years from 2001 to 2005. Keep in mind that behind each of these 2,570 cases is a traumatized person — and usually more than one. It seems that many of these cases were the result of sexually inappropriate conduct perpetrated against numerous victims. The article does a good job of telling some of the stories, which helps put a human face on these cases.

The article also mentions a report mandated by Congress on this subject. This report estimated that as many as 4.5 million students, out of roughly 50 million in American schools, are subject to sexual misconduct by an employee of a school sometime between kindergarten and 12th grade. (That figure includes verbal harassment that is sexual in nature.) Put another way, this means that nearly 1 out of 10 students will be subject to sexual misconduct by a member of school staff. Continue reading Sexual Misconduct in Our Schools — And What to Do

Wishing and Fantasizing

Wishing wellAt the workshops I do with Faithful and True Ministries (for people struggling with compulsive sexual behavior), we talk a lot about the role of fantasy. We help people “take every thought captive,” not by trying to shut the thought out and make it go away, but by evaluating it, and trying to learn from it. When we look with sober and compassionate eyes at our fantasies, we find that they reveal hidden longings that often have arisen from unmet needs in our past. And when we learn ways to meet our needs in healthy ways, and work through the pain in our past, our fantasies lose much of their power.

This is true both of sexual and non-sexual fantasy. Many people have money fantasies (about winning the lottery, for example). Or sports fantasies. To this day, I find it hard to listen to certian types of music without fantasizing about being the musician on stage, playing the music I am listening to. These fantasies create scenarios where our desires for attention, esteem, security, and/or a host of other needs get met.

In my work as a coach, I also have come to see that fantasies can often be a barrier to healthy action. The more I fantasize about something, the less mental energy (and physical time) I have to devote to actually doing something about it. If I’m fantasizing about money, chances are I’m not doing the things I should be doing for my financial well-being. If I’m fantasizing about playing an instrument onstage, then I’m not working to develop my skills as a musician in real life.

All of this brings me to an extended, yet elegant, quote from Jim McGregor. Here’s what he says about wishing and fantasizing, and its role in recovery:

Wishing that I were someone else – more famous, wealthier, stronger, more beautiful, or more serene – is destructive to my well-being.

By changing my attitude of wishing and fantasizing to that of acceptance and gratitude, I will no longer be devastated by disappointments and losses.

Being famous, wealthy, strong, beautiful or serene is fine but not required for my well-being.

The reality of the present moment is my starting point. I can choose to let go and allow the growth process to begin, or I can continue to fantasize and stay where I am.

Living the Truth

Ablow book coverKeith Ablow has written a great book about our tendency to minimize, deny, or otherwise try to hide from the pain of our past. It’s a great book for people in recovery, because it encourages people to face the reality of their pain, and therefore to heal from it. Many people get stuck in their recovery, continuing patterns of relapse, because they haven’t dealt with the soul wounds that drive their addiction. In early life, they turned to sex or chemicals or food to help them cope with their pain … and in adulthood, when those old wounds get triggered, they reach for the old solutions.

The book is so good that I’m going to include some quotes here. He opens the book with the following:

“The origins of delf-deception run deep inside us. Continue reading Living the Truth

Why your brain is primed for addiction

New Scientist Logo

Just ran across a great article in the New Scientist online journal. It talks about current research being done on the “soft addictions” (addiction to behaviors, such as gambling or sex, as opposed to chemicals). It’s a great article, and I’m going to quote it at length here, and offer some of my own commentary.

Several studies of the brain and behaviour back the idea that there’s very little biological difference between what goes on in the head of a gambling addict and that of a crack addict. A growing number of researchers believe that the same processes lie behind all addictions, behavioural or chemical, whether it’s gambling or shopping, computer gaming, love, work, exercise, pornography, eating or sex. Continue reading Why your brain is primed for addiction