We all like having options. When we commit ourselves, we limit our choices. When we commit to recovery, we don’t simply embrace an idea, we take certain steps. For example, we find a group or recovery program and begin to attend meetings, we start seeing a counselor, we disclose our actions to people who’ve been affected, and we get rid of the things that might tempt us to act out again. We throw out pornographic materials, set up filters or accountability software on computers, delete secret email accounts, sever ties with affair partners, etc., etc. We put plans in place and commit ourselves to a course of action that we will continue to pursue even after our initial resolve fades.

Of course, none of this is easy. To be more precise, following through on any of these things is not easy. Desire is easy, following through is hard.

In the immediate aftermath of some bad experience, where we are confronted with the magnitude of our problem, it’s easy to feel a strong desire to change. We might feel deep remorse for what we’ve done, and resolve to live differently. If we’re in a relationship that has been hurt by our behavior, we likely feel a strong commitment to repair the damage that was the result of our sexual acting out.

Pastors, therapists, and addiction counselors are accustomed to hearing people earnestly express their desire to change. 12-Steppers call this “Step Zero” … it’s what happens to people before they even get to Step 1 in the 12 Steps. It’s the overwhelming sense that “things aren’t working,” often accompanied by strong feelings of remorse, guilt, and shame. But everyone needs a reality check at this point: Resolve and remorse are only Step Zero.

Continue reading The all-important moment in recovery – when we decide →

“What you see depends on what window you look out of.” I heard Lyle Schaller say this at a conference I attended years ago. Schaller is a consultant, not a recovery guru, and he was talking about how people deal with controversial topics. But the word picture he created stuck with me ever since, and has helped me understand the process of recovery.

People tend to see Continue reading Noticing what you notice helps in recovery from sex or pornography addiction →